In these eyes even a trip to the grocery store becomes something that is dissected, analyzed and viewed in a different light. As is probably evident for those of you who are detectives, I had to go to the grocery store after work. I had a rough day, I was hungry and just wanted to get things done as quickly and efficiently as possible so I could go home and make my world famous, signature turkey burgers.

The rain started coming down shortly before I got to the grocery store. I have strange ways so I have a big umbrella in my car (I keep one by my desk as well, in case I have to get TO my car – much to the amusement of my lesser-prepared-for-any-contingency-coworkers) so I wasn’t worried. As I casually stroll towards the store, I notice a young guy chatting on his cell phone, walking towards the store with no umbrella. I couldn’t understand if he was too cool to care, so hot the water evaporated before it hit him or he was too stupid to realize it was pouring (not to mention the cell phone probably didn’t survive), but I managed to focus enough to reach the door.

I know more or less what I want, so I’m speeding through the aisles grabbing items and then my second mental detour happened. I don’t know why, but occasionally I stop by the little machine to test your blood pressure. I don’t fucking know why. I just do. Much in the same way that I sometimes weigh myself on the scale. It’s there. Like Everest, OK? This time it would be different. Sitting in the machine for the blood pressure was a young mom. I didn’t realize she was a mom by the way she looked or my Batman-like detective skills. What sold her out was the freaking baby stuck to her boob. I mean, she had nice boobs, but I’m fairly certain I won’t use that machine again. I recognize it’s normal to breast feed your child, but you wont catch me scratching my nuts while in line either. Maybe the machine was dispensing children. I don’t know.

Anyway, I moved along from the C-Cup on Aisle Three section and was amused. See, I have some weird habits. For example, I looked down and the organization of my grocery cart made me laugh. I do it all the time, but without thinking about it. Everything is so neat and organized and similar items kept together that you would stare in admiration. Or terror. I do the same when I place my items on the counter to pay. Everything very neat and in order. I laughed and went to the register.

And that’s when it happened. When I was one shopping cart width from the register, this douche bag and his wildebeest of a girl break out into what can only be described as an Olympic level sprint and squeeze in front of me.

We met eyes briefly and I assume he recognized the African warrior angry look I had because he suddenly turned and nervously looked in my direction. Now, for some time now I have been trying to be less angry and let things go. It’s just not easy. Being the bigger person (morally, not by weight) actually tends to suck. See, at that moment, every item he placed on the counter was calling me names and telling me: “Mr. Lee! This should have been your groceries! Hahaha!” I paid close attention to his items. Try as I might, I could not find the item(s) that were so perishable that it required him to sprint to the line. I almost expected him to do an end zone celebration and taunt me with his produce. I managed to keep my mouth shut while pretending my eyes had lasers.

I displayed self control and behaved myself, cooked and ate my burgers when I got home (I know it’s regular bread and not hamburger bread, but fuck it, that’s what I had. Leave me alone) and will reward my good behavior with some Merlot. I have shared my story and if there’s one thing above all else you should take from this is: do NOT use the blood pressure machine.

  1. […] haven’t had that in me for quite some time. I started remembering how I couldn’t go to the grocery store without sneering at the world and most of its mindless […]

  2. […] above Neanderthal. On the way out I walked by the blood pressure machine and could only think of my last grocery experience. It’s all a matter of perspective. I had […]

  3. […] of all, the only shopping I’ll be doing is grocery shopping. If you read my blog you know how those trips work out for me). Look for value. You are in no hurry today (No, sir I am not. I’m wearing slippers and sweat […]

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