My wine tasting experience

Posted: June 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yesterday I had the opportunity to re-visit a winery in Homestead, Florida called Schnebly Redland’s Winery. First of all, this place is in the middle of fucking nowhere. On the drive down you’ll see some huge houses and lots which made me think how ideal it would be for me to live in so I don’t have annoying or nosy neighbors nearby. Second of all, the stupid iPhone told me to take an exit which was 7 fucking exits too early so I drove over 100 streets with stop lights and traffic. I also found it interesting when I drove past the strip joint The Booby Trap that it was next to a school and across the street from a daycare. I bet the fathers drive the kids to work daily.

Anyway, for a minor price you get to sample 5 different wines. If you sign piece of paper and give them your (fake) email, they give you one extra sample of wine. I gave them Abby The Scammer’s email (thanks for the sample of wine, Abby). The catch is that they do not have grape wine; they have a farm where they grow fruits and make wine out of those. I know grapes are fruits, you dicks, but you know what I mean. Fruits OTHER than grapes. It sounds like a moonshine operation, but it’s pretty badass. They’re even in the process of making their own beer, but my testosterone prevents me from drinking fruity beer.

The place is very scenic and is worth the drive just to check it out. In fact, some poor deluded soul was getting married while I was there. The exterior has waterfalls and a bunch of pretty plants and shit complete with a Koi pond (I thought that shit went out in the 90’s?). As you can see, I dressed up for the occasion.

The interior of this place is awesome too. It’s nice, clean with friendly staff and even when it’s full, the server does a great job of making sure you get your samples very quickly. They’re informative and give you all sorts of details of each wine as they serve it.

Now, before I begin, I’m cynical enough to know that at some point in time, somebody somewhere is going to do some shit to piss me off. I look around to see which person was going to ruin my experience. It didn’t take long to find him. Actually, he found me. This douche bag was across the bar from me and for some damn reason came over to my side and did his wine tasting next to me. I think all identified douche bags should wear a scarlet D to make it easier for the rest of us. Anyway, this dick starts each tasting by sticking his face into the glass like he’s trying to dip his nose into the wine, he then sniffs like a pig searching for a truffle and let’s out loud sighs of approval or disapproval. Those are followed by mutterings of “delicious”, “uh, not good enough”, “too young” and shit like that. He then asks the server about one specific one that he had been seemingly trying to inhale: “is this one buttery?” (I’m thinking try it and find out, you dick) and server responds: “not buttery at all, it has a slight oaky flavor”. Douche bag replies “oaky flavor IS buttery. when someone asks if it’s buttery, they’re asking if it’s oaky”. The rest of this was a monologue from the Douche asserting his wine superiority on the server. I don’t know if what he said was accurate or not, nor did I care. I just wanted this dick to drink his wine and shut his fucking mouth. I knew then that he would be on my blog and for your douchebaggery, sir, I must thank you. Anyway….

CocoVino:

Smell: Just barely smells of coconut, but doesn’t smell bad. I confess that at this moment I’m a little intimidated. I drink red wines mostly like Bordeauxs, Merlots and Pinot Noirs. This is experimental; like a young girl going to college.
Taste: Sweet front, dry in the end with a just hint of coconut. I give it a 6

Carambola:

Smell: Smells like someone with stinky feet had soaked their feet wearing socks into the wine. The smell reduced my testosterone and injected estrogen in me. I am currently questioning my decision of being here.

Taste: Surprisingly, overall it wasn’t bad, you can clearly taste the fruit, but it was a bit more bitter than I had expected. It’s like the ugly girl who turns out to be really sweet when you give it a try. I have an ex like that. I’ll call her Carambola from now on. 5.5


Lychee:

Smell: I can only describe this as a noxious smell. I have no basis for the comparison, but I assume this is similar to Agent Orange or something used for chemical warfare. I love to eat lychee and this doesn’t smell like lychee. This smells like something pooped on a lychee.

Taste: Yet again I’m surprised that despite the smell (perhaps I’m unused to these non-grape wines to properly appreciate the smell) it actually has a nice, sweet finish. Let’s call it a happy ending. Not bad. 6 on the Lee Scale. The photo is blurry because I was shaking in utter terror from the smell.


Mango:

Smell: Either the previous wines had destroyed my sense of smell, or this wine has little smell to it. That is probably not a bad thing at this stage. I’m currently feeling masochistic. The wine has a really nice color to it which despite my mutant power level of talent in photography, the photo does not do it justice.
Taste: Now THAT is what I’m talking about. This wine was nice and sweet and you can taste the fruit really well. This one is my favorite. This is clearly the pretty girl in the dance. 7.5

Guava:

Smell: Now this wine smells fantastic!! I would have been giddy at the thought of trying this had I not regained my testosterone.
Taste: This was very good, but had it been a little bit sweeter it would have been my favorite. 7

Passion Fruit:

Smell: I was excited about this one. Not only because visually it was very visually appealing, but it being passion fruit it sounded delicious.  It does not have much of a smell to speak of, which was disappointing.
Taste: I was unprepared for just how tart this tasted. This was like sucking on a fucking lemon or lime. I’m fairly certain this put hair on my chest. 6

Overall my experience was good. The server offered to give me another sample of whichever was my favorite, so I went with the mango. I bought a bottle of the mango and went to my brother’s house to share. Also, with the purchase of the wine tasting, you get to keep the wine glass and for $5 you get 5 samples. I plan on returning and if you’re going, take me with you!

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Comments
  1. […] than that I’m not sure what there is for me there. The only thing that jumped out at me was Schnebly’s and maybe waiting until winter hits so that I can run away for a […]

  2. […] even wrote about my first wine tasting experience here. It wasn’t my last, it was a go-to date spot and I hope to […]

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