Another advice article

Posted: November 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I found another article I figured would be amusing to dissect. I am copying and pasting without having read it. I have low expectations of this because it reads: “10 Quickest Ways to Turn a Guy Off: How to turn your boyfriend into a fiancee”. It already reeks to me. The insinuation of “turning your boyfriend into a fiancee” sounds like an underhanded, deceptive way to train or convince a guy into a commitment. Sounds like a formula for divorce.

Summer should be a hotbed of sexy singles, so why are you striking out? Could it be one of these 10 reasons…

1. Changing your relationship status on Facebook after the first date (really? jesus. this doesn’t even have red flags. This has red banners flapping in the wind. if this happens, RUN. You’re one date away from a restraining order)
I am not lying when I tell you – this has happened to me. The first date went well (we were all over each other) (were you? well, she sounds easy. what’s her number?) and we definitely drank more than our fair share of wine. I was definitely excited for the next date. Next day, I got a very interesting notification in my mini-feed saying “Sharon is no longer single.” I didn’t call her for that second date… (Well, she didn’t say it was YOU, fool. She moved quick so I wouldn’t be too sure that she was referring to you)

2. Only ordering salads when we go out on dates
Don’t be that girl! You’re not a rabbit – you’re a human. By all means, order a salad as your starter, but there is nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to chow down. I’m not telling you lick your fingers clean at the end of your meal, I’m just telling you to eat like a normal person! A girl who has eating issues is a red flag, and something that we’d rather not get involved with. (Do they still do that?? I’ve been out of the game for ages now so I don’t know. But I wouldn’t get dressed and go out to “eat” if your ass is ordering only a salad. If you’re going to be so insecure as to order only a salad, how about going to the movies instead? don’t waste a guy’s time.)
3. Bad manicure (or lack thereof)
I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s worth it to spring for a pampering session. Though you might think we don’t notice, chipped nail polish or chewed down nails can be a quick turn-off. It tells us that you don’t care. I was on a date with a girl who seemed to have given herself a manicure while driving on a bumpy road. I mean…really?! I don’t mean to be “that guy,” but it just wasn’t cute. (Absolutely. Please do not go out on a date with busted finger or toe nails. On the other hand, guys need to know to manscape as well. If you hands look like you have been gnawing at them like an animal trying to break out or if your feet look like you’re from some little known indian tribe, you’re not ready for your date)

4. Career-Obsessed
Nothing sucks the excitement out of a relationship more quickly than when I’m wining and dining my lady and she whips out her iPhone so she can promptly answer emails from her boss. (homie that means she’s bored to tears. don’t bother asking for another date) I’m all for a woman who works hard and enjoys what she does, but there’s a time and place for it – and it’s not when I’m trying to look into her eyes over a candlelit dinner (trust me. if you’re lucky she will order only a salad so you can get out of there. she’s not interested).

5. Body hair
Men are bestial creatures. We’ve been hairy since adolescence and are forced to shave every morning if we don’t want to look like a hobo (speak for yourself. I’m rugged). One of the most refreshing things about a woman is how smooth she is (that’s a generalization. I’ve seen some that belong in the 70’s). Don’t ruin this fantasy for us. Shave your legs and underarms (and don’t stop there). Take care of any awkward facial hair you may have. And groom your nether regions! (there it is. nobody likes for you to look like you have Don King in a leg lock. Guys, return the favor and freaking manscape too)

6. Baby-talk
Don’t resort to a baby voice to try and get something you want out of us (don’t. you’re not a child. it’s creepy. Children of the Corn creepy). I’m not dating a 5-year-old, but a mature woman. Sometimes little girls use this tactic when they want extra spending cash at the mall. I’m not your dad (but you can call me daddy? heh). If you are missing something from me in a relationship, tell me in your real voice and be confident – don’t cover it up because you’re scared about what my answer might be.

7. Deodorant issues
Of course you look stunning in your little black dress, and I certainly appreciate your classic choice…BUT, before you leave the house, make sure your deodorant hasn’t rubbed off on your sleeves. There is nothing worse than being distracted by a girl’s pits. Also, those accumulated clumps of deodorant on your underarms. I know it’s hard to prevent, but be mindful of it before you leave the house! (Look, I’ll take that over you forgetting to use any.)
8. Don’ talk about your problems
Everybody has them – it’s just part of the human condition. Save it. Don’t dote on them and make them the only topic of conversation, seeking my advice or approval (well, don’t make it the only topic of conversation, but feel free to speak about them. Your guy should be able to listen. If he doesn’t, he’s a dick). If you’re having problems with your family, your ex, your hygiene…it’s just kind of a deal breaker. I’m out with you and trying to get to know the best you possible, so bringing unpleasant skeletons out of your closet leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

9. Don’t forget your manners
One of my main rules as a man is classic chivalry (chivalry is dead). If I invite a woman out for dinner or drinks, I always pay (lucky for you, your dates order only salads) – pull out her chair, and help her with her coat. It’s how I was raised. Don’t forget to say a simple “thank you.” It lets me know that you were raised with good manners and that you appreciate me. When a woman feels entitled to any sort of special treatment, it tells me that she is just a mean-spirited person. Manners are a must! (good manners have little to do with entitlement to special treatment)

10. Only talk about yourself
Don’t forget that there are two people in a conversation. I listened so I could score a first date, and because I was generally interested. Once you’re out on a date, I want to know that you’re also interested in getting to know more about me. Sometimes in the nervousness of the moment, it’s easy to forget to reciprocate questions. Be mindful of it.
(Yes. Being self obsessed is wrong. Good point. I’m thinking the writer ran out of ideas)

Richard Easton is NYC’s premier personal matchmaker. (premier personal match maker? I missed my calling…)

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