20 (More) Secrets Men Keep (by the same moron Rich Santos)

Posted: January 4, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Another article by that moron from Marie Claire. This guy is blog gold.

We Love Your Cheesy Celebrity Magazines
Most of you have encountered your guy, glancing at the pages of Us Weekly (Um…no) and then not being able to put it down. We must admit, it’s pretty damned entertaining and we can’t believe how bad so-and-so looked in her bikini when she was caught in that weird pose by the paparazzi in the bushes 50 yards away (No, that stalking tactic of the paparazzi is horrible), or wow-Posh Spice actually pumps her own gas (Who gives a crap? They’re just PEOPLE. Relax)! On “guy trips” my buddies and I make sure to have a stack of the glossy, horrible celebrity mags on hand (Have you considered that none of you are straight?). (BTW: Have you noticed all the different magazines actually use the same pictures every month?)

We Struggle with Facebook Timing
We have to play our Facebook cards correctly. We don’t want to friend you too quickly and look too enthusiastic (If she gives it to you, it’s for you to contact her. It’s not for you to sit for 3 days to play the game of not contacting her too quickly. Leave the game playing for children, Rich). The easiest thing to do is to let you friend us first so we know the coast is clear. But after that, there are more things to obsess over. When do we declare we are “in a relationship” with you (How about when you’ve both agreed to be in a committed monogamous relationship?)? Again, you go first, will you? We’ll follow your lead (Dude, grow a pair and make things happen. The world doesn’t stop for anyone. No balls no babies, feel me?).

We Don’t Always Like That You Talk to Your Friends About Us (Even if It’s Good)
We know that part of the boyfriend job description is to supply you with feel good stories and anecdotes to share with your friends: “guess what Rich did for me today,” for example (And you did what? Read a celebrity magazine? And if she’s talking about me because she likes what I do, I’m doing something right. Imbecile). And we know that you love to complain about us to your friends: “Rich is so ignorant and insensitive sometimes. I just don’t get it. (Trust me, that conversation did NOT go like that. If a woman dates you out of pity, which I assume is the only way, they likely make fun of you on a regular basis)” In fact, we wonder if you talk about anything other than boyfriend, shoes, bags, and reality TV. Sometimes it’s nice to keep some of our relationship just between the two of us. (Before you met her, she had her friends and she confided in them. This is unavoidable. As long as you’re a good person the stories will always be good so there’s nothing to worry about, but you’re a dick and an idiot so they probably clown you often)

We Gossip and We Know It
Friends and co-workers tell me I’m not allowed to know anything because I have a big mouth (Wow. You’re one of those that can’t keep a secret. Homie, you need to learn to mind your business and shut the fuck up. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.). My buddy and I gossip on IM during work (You must work hard. Gossip is for bitches. You’re a bitch). The average IM convo looks like this:

Rich: “I can’t believe she’s going out with that guy. He’s not right for her. (Right. Because you would know as the Dating Blogger, you ignorant, insipid bastard)

Brian: “Agreed. Oh well, I guess she’ll find out the hard way. (You’re far too old for this shit. Shame on you.)

My friends and I emulate two old ladies on the front porch on a hot summer day (Yes. Vaginas and all), sipping lemonade and discussing/judging all of our acquaintances.

We Actually Care (Most of the Time)
We care how you feel even though the things we say and do don’t always show it (Maybe you should be able to show it?). Sometimes we just don’t know how to show it, or we are just being stupid (You truly should only speak for yourself). Now there are times we don’t care so much: your little dramas (that are mostly imagined) (That must have gone over very well), your shoes, etc…but I’d say we care at least 80% of the time-that’s pretty good, right (Wow. No wonder you have a hymen)?

We Get PMS
The other day my co-worker Rachel instructed me to “go home, wake up on the right side of the bed, and come back.” Boy was I cranky the that day (You even get treated like a female child by your coworkers. Nobody respects you.). There was no tangible reason like a crushing Ravens loss, or a girl that didn’t call me back (That should feel like habit by now. I doubt it bothers you at this stage). Everywhere I went in the office I spread my little dark cloud. I wanted to be in my pajama bottoms at home watching bad movies with no one to bother me (With a tub of ice cream and Twilight?). All of us guys have days like this (No we the fuck do not)-strangely it’s approximately every month or so (You’re so fucking bitchtified. You should check yourself for labia)…and we wonder: am I PMSing?

We Pretend to Listen
We have a number of methods of making it look like we’re listening: the nod, the eye contact maneuver, the carefully timed question that is relevant to the last five words you said, or simply repeating a sentence you just said (Damn. How do you expect people to listen to you if you don’t listen?). But often, your voice sounds like the “wah-wah” adult voice in a Peanuts holiday special (Imagine what you sound like when you write chauvinistic, ignorant, uniformed generalization garbage). You lose us in the beginning when it takes way too long to set something up. You need a hook and strong intro (You should give NOBODY tips. Pretty much about anything. They’re trying to speak, not do a standup routine). There have been times when a female has spoken to me for ten minutes, I go to some other dimension (strangely, I can still hear her voice vaguely like white noise) (I bet it was a very lonely dimension), and I return to reality. Afterward, I’m hard-pressed to remember what this girl was talking about.

We Check Out Other Women (Even if We’re in Relationships)
Sorry, but we notice a hot girl any time any place. Hopefully most of us don’t make it obvious, but we check out a cutie when we can (You can briefly look, but damn, don’t gawk). The worst is if your younger sister (That’s wrong) or best friend is hot, we’ll check her out too (I never believed someone could actually be single forever until I read your garbage).

We Talk About Masturbation and Porn Like the Weather
In college, my buddy I shared a room with in our house and I would say: “Dude, can you leave for five minutes?” when one of us needed “alone time.” (WOW… that’s not only wrong, but that shit is borderline gay) I’ve had conversations with guys about masturbatory habits: how we do it over and over when we can’t sleep, how we do it when we’re bored, our “record breaking days of frequency” during boring high school summers, etc. (You actually reached a new level of pathetic in my eyes. It’s almost a mutant power)

Porn is no different. Recently, a buddy of mine sent out a concise and honest e-mail: “guys, I feel bad hoarding these porn site passwords. Enjoy.” (Word? Shoot it this way) And, when we are getting back to NYC after a long trip, I’ll look at whatever buddy I am with and say: “so you’re going to eat, watch TV, pass out, and…” I’ll nod at him inferring masturbation. “Of course,” he’ll answer (Why would you have to ask him that and why on earth would he reply? I’m telling you: you are gay. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you’re just not qualified to write about women when you like men). “What kind of dumb question is that?” And we’ve had so many “streaming versus download” Internet porn debates. I wish we could talk about smart stuff (You can’t. Idiots can’t be smart, stupid. It is what it is. Your cat can’t bark. You can’t skip with the foxes and hunt with the wolves).

Sometimes We Don’t Feel Like Having Sex Either
For those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, you know that I’m the rare male who never really seeks sex (Because you seem to prefer men), and also doesn’t enjoy it (because you seem to prefer men). But guys are sometimes not in the mood (Such as when we are asleep or dead): we are too tired, or there are things on our mind (You are an olympic sized pool of estrogen. Shut your mouth). Strange thing is sometimes we’ll have sex when we don’t want to, because we are guys-like when you eat something and you’re totally not hungry, and then you feel awful later (Wow. I bet you’ll find the general consensus is that this is incorrect).

We Have Confident Days, but Unconfident Days
It’s no different than a batting slump versus a hot hitter in baseball. There are days when I feel like I can own the world, and there are days when I just feel a little off. On the good days, I’ll walk into a bar, mingle, I’m the center of attention (I sincerely doubt that. Although making an ass of yourself does make you the center of attention, albeit negatively and just briefly). On the bad days, I’ll walk into a bar and I’ll curl up into a shell. Sadly my confidence is usually based on my hair (bwahahahaha)…and how my jeans look on me (You are such a little girl).

Sometimes We Like Being Told What to Do
One of the reasons we won’t commit is because we don’t want to be told what to do (Nobody should ‘tell’ anyone what to do. The last people that could do that were your parents. A partner discusses things with you; they’re not bosses. And neither are you). But, it’s no secret that we don’t like to think (Oh, shit. You’re so god damn stupid. Apparently men are cavemen and women are inferior and subservient), and we struggle with details (I love generalizations). So when you tell us clearly what to do, how to do it, and map it out for us, we can go about accomplishing a task without anxiety (I wouldn’t even want someone who I hired to require so much information to get a task done. I can’t imagine a woman wanting that in a relationship). Also, if we follow your directions precisely and you’re still unsatisfied, then you’re more unsatisfied with the directions you gave us, and not our execution of the instructions (And no accountability either. That goes well with the lack of testicles).

We Wish We Could Go Back to College with the Brains We Have Now
Man, I was dumb when I was younger (I can’t fathom you being dumber). I wish I could go back with my now semi-smart brain, and hit on the hot young girls that aren’t as “experienced in the world.” (Only those with no brains would give you a shot so I can see why you’d want to) I’d have a competitive advantage (Not an advantage per se, just an advantage over your current self which is not the same). I just need to look as young as I did in college but keep this old brain.

We Cry and Have Emotional Moments with Our Buddies
After my little sister’s wedding, I talked over my feelings with a few of my guy friends. We might as well have been on the couch watching movies with a bottle of wine with the deep emotional things we were saying to each other (I wonder what you consider “deep”. Other than your boyfriend). But it happens. And, we do cry — we just try not to do it in front of anyone. I shed tears when I think about old memories, or see something sad on TV, or a song hits me just the right way. (A song? A TV show? You need to grow a pair)

Sometimes Timing Is More Important Than Who You Are
It’s all about what’s going on in our mind and life when we run into you. No matter how great you are, you can’t overcome those times when we are not ready to date (duh). And sometimes we are lonely, or our friends are all dating someone (Because it’s logical to date someone just because your friends have girlfriends and you have nobody to cry with), or we’ve gotten everything else in our lives together…and the girl comes along at the right time.

We Freak Ourselves Out Too
Traditionally, the male is supposed to protect the female, but we have imaginations too. When I go to my parent’s house for holidays after being in NYC for months, I’m shocked by the isolation of their house in the woods. Every night I sleep there, the strange sounds spark my imagination: an axe murderer broke in, home invasion, etc. And sometimes I have totally illogical freak out moments, like waking up at 3:30 a.m. in my apartment and wondering if the ghost of Lizzie Borden will appear at the foot of my bed just because I’m thinking about her (You are what psychologists refer to as a BITCH). Yes, I get scared and want to hide under the covers when these things happen (I have a 9mm Beretta 92FS; 15 in the mag and one in the chamber and a Smith & Wesson 38 special. Full of hollow points. Right next to the covers of MY bed as the first option rather than hiding under them).

We Are Sensitive About Our Weight
I got measured for a tux recently and when I returned to my office some of my co-workers asked how it went. I replied: “Well, it didn’t make me feel fat.” Lately, I’ve been feeling fat because I haven’t been able to get to the gym as much as I’d like to, and I see my gut expanding faster than the universe. Even though we think that women are OK with a bit of a guy on a guy, we still worry about our weight. And yes, we do wonder if certain clothes make us look fat. (Clothes doesn’t make you look fat. Fat makes you look fat. I’m trying to lose weight so stop crying about it and make it happen. It’s not magic)
We Fear Growing Older
This is explicitly linked to our weight sensitivity. As we get older, we gain weight, we lose our hair, we get tired faster, and younger guys look better in our presence (If you’re checking out guys, that is. I like to do my own thing and not worry about other people). It’s especially painful for athletic guys who can’t quite do the things they used to do physically (That would be… everyone who ages?). We go through depressions, mid-life crises, etc…until finally we just give up. (Speaking of giving up, give up on blogging)

We Say We’ll Call Even if We Don’t Mean It
We always say we’ll call, because it’s the nice thing to say (Because you’re an ass and a liar. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Playing with people’s emotions is wrong). It’s almost as thoughtless as the “fine” answer when someone asks us how we’re doing. Would you rather us say: “Look, I’m not planning to call you?” And sometimes at that very moment we say we’ll call, we do mean it, but then after 24 hours we change our mind after sleeping on it (You fickle little bitch).

We’re Intimidated by Your Sex Toys
Let’s face it: your toys can do many things that we can’t do (That’s the idea). They rotate, squirm, and move in all sorts of glorious ways. Your vibrators and other “projectiles” are the perfect size because you pick them out. All we can do with ours is go back and forth (Perhaps you should read a book on this. Your seemingly stabbing motions must not sound thrilling to women). And, of course, your toys have a 100% orgasm success rate (do they now?) while our orgasm success rate is probably around 35% (HAHAHAHA wow. That’s an F in school, homie. You need to try harder). And with their strange shapes, spikes, nubs, and wires, they look like they are from another planet. I wouldn’t want to be in a room alone with them (Just hide under the covers).

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