Online Dating Profiles

Posted: September 24, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Online dating is funny.

It seems that online dating has the greatest of the greatest people. Everyone is honest, loyal and looking for a serious relationship. It’s amazing really. I wonder what a real profile would look like:

City:
Miami. The City of idiots. Factory of Morons. Land of the Shallow.

Age:
35 but  I look far older, but am less mature or wise than I should be.

Height:
5’5″.5 so I lie and say 5’6″

Ethnicity:
Brown

Intent:
Getting to know someone who is not absolutely insane, hung up on an ex, compulsive liar or filthy cheater.

Religion:
I don’t subscribe to cults. I don’t deal with the unproven and unprovable. I’ve witnessed no miracles other than the label of mayo.

Marital Status:
Divorced, damaged, untrusting and highly skeptical. In fact, I’ll meet you and will probably assume you’re plotting against me.

I Am Seeking A:
Female

For:
Just getting to know them. I don’t have a plan. It all depends on your sanity.

Do You Smoke:
I’m back to smoking and I’m smoking frequently. This is NOT cheap.

Do You Have Children:
Not that I’m aware of, but I can’t be entirely certain.

Do You Want Children:
I think so, but I’d rather be in a relationship first. Let’s go step by step.

Do You Drink:
I do. I have a fondness for good beer, good wine and good whiskey. You won’t catch me sipping on Bud.

Do You Do Drugs:
I absolutely do not. Well, not illegal ones anyway. Other than that I do. Daily.

Do You Have A Car:
Sure! It’s a piece of crap, but I totaled my old one so it is what it is.

Sign:
Taurus, but if you really believe in that crap, we are absolutely not a match.

Pets:
Petting? Oh, PETS! I have 2 dogs and part ownership of a cat.

Longest Relationship:
I don’t know. Like 13 years. I was in a daze so I don’t know for sure.

Interests:
Man, I love fishing, use to love running but my body is broken so I can’t run anymore. I’m starting cycling as soon as I fix a bike, I like watching boxing and NFL football.

About Me:
I’m easily the strangest person you’ll know. I can be shy or in your face obnoxious. I love attention (good or bad) and I’m very intense. To a flaw. I tell the truth (so don’t ask me stupid questions) and I’m always trying to change for the better. I write a blog about absolutely nothing and people seem to like it. You’re likely going to wind up on it so stay on point. I’m not much of a phone person so you’ll likely better off texting me. If you like those hours long conversations with your man, I’m not the guy.

First Date:
Let’s get some wine and talk. We meet there so that I can leave if I feel there’s no vibe and I have to come up with an excuse to run away.

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Comments
  1. morgieborg says:

    Hilarious!

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