Articles like these amuse me.

Funny, you can go to this link and see the answers. I would have included them, but after reading just a couple I rolled my eyes and felt it was my civic duty to answer with my Yoda-like knowledge of sex. Yep. I threw in a sci-fi geek reference in a sex article because I’m like a Jedi of sex.

How do I lure my shy husband into something a little more wild?Ask.

Could I possibly be allergic to sperm?
It’s possible, but if it’s not life threatening just roll with it.

I can’t climax during penetration. It is physical or mental?
Could be either or. Perhaps both. Just find what you need to do and get it done.

Am I wrong to expect sex when I’m pregnant?
No. It’s his duty.

I’m not very comfortable performing oral sex. Any advice?Watch some porn. Get liquid courage. It’s a must.

I don’t really like vibrators. Are there any other toys we should try?
What’s the matter with you? Those things are awesome. You girls have tons of cool toys. Go hit a store or shop online. There’s tons. Buy a couple and try it out. Stop complaining. There’s nothing like that for men.

The sex is lukewarm. Are we destined to have a horrible sex life?
Yes. Time to bring in another girl on occasion.

Are men hardwired to cheat?
At first. Then some mature and don’t do it anymore. Some don’t mature and keep doing it.

My husband gained weight, and now he doesn’t ge aroused! What do I do?
I’m not sure those two are associated, but get viagra. Quick fix.

Are bumps on a man’s penis normal or something to worry about?
Take him to get tested. How’s that for a solution? And test yourself because it sounds like you’re nervous for yourself too. Shame on you. If someone causes you to have an STD test due to doubts, they’re likely whoring around.

My husband has a curve in his penis that makes sex difficult. What can we do?
Girl, read a book. There are like a million positions. Or email me. I can walk you through it. If I knew more of them I would have created them.

Does birth control affect your sex drive?
Sometimes it does. But there’s different types of them so test it all out, woman.

Does size really matter?
I don’t care what anyone says: size DOES matter. Nobody likes a comparison of throwing a hot dog in a hallway.

Do I use sex to feel needed?
You have daddy issues and insecurities. If you have to ask, yes you do. What’s your number?

Is it normal for our sex drives to decrease after the wedding?
How soon after? Look, at first you go at it like bunnies, but then it tapers off. That’s when you switch it up and try new shit. Free your mind, Neo.

I fantasize about a guy from college even though I’m happily married. Am I a bad wife?
No. Fantasizing is normal. I’ve had people fantasize about me while married and I think they were awesome for it. Once they divorced they got to find out first hand and now that we don’t hook up I assure you she still fantasizes. You can read the menu, you don’t have to order. That doesn’t mean that you’re cheating on your diet.

I’m heavier than my husband, but he likes me to be on top. How do I make it more enjoyable?
Eat less.

My husband has been pressuring me to be more sexual. How can we work things out?
Send him a nasty text message with a photo to show him what’s waiting for him. Be spontaneous. Bust out a toy. Initiate sex. Bring in a girl for a 3 some. Sex is basic, most animals do it. The creativity is what separates animals from people and Lee from people.

What can I do to get our sex life back to where it was before I gained baby weight?
Lose the weight. Or be spontaneous. Light up some candles and wait for him. Start the engine before he gets there.

How do I decide which birth control method is right for me?
Talk to your doctor. And test it out. Depends on your reaction to it or if you’re responsible enough to not skip pills. That shit is scary. That’s like doing that game where you turn your back to someone and fall backwards and hope to fucking god they catch you.

How do we climb out of a no-sex rut?
He’s cheating on you.

I’m very stressed out and can’t focus during sex. What can I do?
Drink a glass of whiskey. Start the engine before he gets in. Watch some porn.

How can I get my husband to choose me over masturbation?
He’s cheating on you too and doesn’t find you attractive. Get in shape, learn a few new tricks. Maybe even let him kick the back door down.

How can I make my husband more comfortable with my vibrator?
Your husband is an insecure child. Don’t buy some King Kong vibrator. Buy the ones that you put your legs into the straps so that he feels it too. Those are great. Or so I heard. I’m saving myself for my next marriage.

How can we sync up our sex schedules?
You and I? Oh. Never mind. It’s like anything else. You want it to happen? Make the time. Guys get turned on if the wind blows in their direction. You’ll be OK.

What are some fun ways to spice things up?
See above. Toys. 3somes. Wax. Hair pulling. Spanking. Change of location. Different positions. But if you really want great sex, call Lee. I can provide affidavits.

How do I get my libido back after having a baby?
Man. I don’t have a clue. X?

Is there a way to make my husband last longer during sex?
He’s a two pump chump, huh? Have him do a pregame one without you. Booze him up. Switch positions when he’s getting too close. Come on. This is basic, rookie.

I can’t orgasm since we got married. What’s going on?
Marriage kills relationships. Your husband is no good in bed. Bust out a toy.

Is it normal for men not to masturbate?
No. That’s abnormal as hell. He’s lying to you. Except for me. I don’t do that. My body is a temple.

Should I worry about his porn DVDs?
Hell no. Watch that shit with him and tell him what you like. Reenact scenes. Relax. It’s a movie. You reap the benefits anyway. He should worry more if you watch Oprah?

How can I entice my husband to give me oral sex?
Easy. Tell him that if he wants it, he needs to give it FIRST. He’ll fight it for a while, but he will lose. Tell him it’s both a barter system and a method of racketeering.

How can I make oral sex less painful on my jaw?
Practice makes perfect. Call me.

He can only orgasm from oral sex. What can we do?
He’s gay. Buy a strap on.

Is there such a thing as too much sex?
Absolutely, positively and emphatically no. You burn calories and release stress and chemicals for pleasure.

Am I too jealous of a bachelor party with strippers?
You don’t trust your man. You’re going to have issues. And trust me someone is getting blown at that party. However, keep in mind most of those girls are saving for medical school so we are helping the economy and the future of healthcare.

We never seem to get around to having sex anymore. What gives?
He’s hitting some little shorty on the side. Hire a private detective.

My husband has a small penis. What positions can we try?
Try this position: RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I’m no longer sexually attracted to my husband. What’s going on?
He’s not what you thought he was. Once the novelty phase dies, you’re left with the person rather than your original thought of what he was. He’s also lame in bed. Run through your highlight reel if you must stay.

I’m not sexually satisfied by my husband. What can I do?
Do his friend. Or tell him what you want. Lee aside, men are not mind readers or master of sex. Fuckin’ tell him what you like!

I’ve been faking orgasms for four years now. Is it wrong?
Only for you. What’s the point of faking it? Tell him what you like and be satisfied. Faking an orgasm is like faking to have eaten a meal for the cook’s sake. What’s the point if you’re still hungry??

Should I be worried if my husband doesn’t always orgasm?
Depends. Is he on medication? If not, he may be cheating or you’re not very good.

It takes me about 30 minutes to climax. How can I speed it up?
Again, rev that engine before you drive. Either yourself of have him do it. Foreplay is important.

He’s too big…what do I do?
Practice, practice, practice! Babies come out of that thing. You’ll be ok. Just don’t let him roll you over and play in the mud. Feel me?

Is there anything I can do to make my vagina tighter?
Yeah. I forget the name of the exercises. What happened to it though? You broke it? There’s even surgical procedures. Google the shit. Or maybe he’s too small.

There’s usually more pain than pleasure when I have sex. What’s wrong?
Practice, practice, practice…. and buy lube. Tons. Not KY, though. That smells awful. Or so I’ve heard.

I heard that if I douche right after sex it prevents pregnancy. Is this true?
Yes! In fact, if you do it on a full moon, a winged unicorn will prance onto your yard and lead you to a pot of gold protected by a band of midgets eating marshmallows.

What can we do about premature ejaculation?
Again, have him pregame one. That way he doesn’t go to war with a loaded weapon.

What if your husband has a small penis complex?
What’s small penis complex? Sounds like he watches too much porn where guys walk out with baseball bats. Tell him to man up and pull his skirt up.

Comments
  1. morgieborg says:

    I like this.

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