Saturday, November 24, 2012

Posted: November 24, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Here I am. Hard at work in the office again.

It has been a strange few days for me. I feel like I’ve taken a few steps back and I’m feeling frustrated. Some days it feels like I have my emotions in check and others I feel like I’m watching myself do things without control. Today is just a haze. I’m a mix of frustration, anger and confusion.

For quite a while I have been trying to keep certain things under control and change (or maintain) certain behavior. Today I find myself seething in anger at my ex girlfriend. I don’t know if perhaps that’s a stage process or what. I “watched myself” send a nastygram email to her. I’d take it back if I could, if only because I had explained I wanted no contact. That has me confused because I keep thinking that if I was going to bother to do that, I should have reflected a year’s worth of anger, but on the other hand I don’t want to. I don’t care to give the satisfaction, though I guess I did. I certainly can say that I had much more to say and in a pissed off and vulgar manner. It’ll bother me for a few days.  I despise loss of control.

I also found myself breaking a rule I had tried to avoid by putting my hands on some random girl at the end of the week. I was fairly certain I had left that behavior in the past, but I guess it briefly resurfaced. Maybe it was the anger? The confusion? I don’t know. As of today I’ve written them off as well. Great boobs, though. Masterful. She deserved a medal for them. I’ll continue staying away from that behavior as best I can, though. Not necessarily the route I wanted to go in.

As it is, I’m sitting in my office going through tons of mixed feelings; some of which I try to ignore and push down. I’ve already had one of my employees ask what was wrong and that I looked sad. We actually went through the cheesy process of her asking me if I wanted to talk about it (I didn’t) and that if I wanted to talk about it she was available (I won’t). I mean, it was nice and all, but I think I’m too transparent. Honestly, if I were to want to talk about it, I don’t think I’d know where to start. Today I don’t have my thoughts in order nor am I feeling any kind of positivity. A little  voice of vengeance that I ignore, but that’s all that’s concise.

To top it off, I’m feeling stressed about my moving out of Miami. I’ve had quite a few people tell me that it’s not the right thing to do, I shouldn’t move, etc. etc. I can’t lie. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know that moving is what I should do. All I know is that I’ll do it anyway.

My days tend to go up and down and today is certainly a down day. I desperately need something good to get me out of my current state. The trend is that nothing will present itself to do that, but I’m feeling emotionally exhausted and particularly angry today. Now to be clear, I don’t want the rash of emails, phone calls or texts letting me know the world is beautiful and that things will be OK. I don’t want to hear that I whine or I should be glad I have my health or some shit like that. In fact, I don’t know that I want to hear anything at all. I know I’m burrowed in negativity right now, but believe me when I say that cliches won’t help. It’ll aggravate me more.

If I had my way once I was out of work I would sit and put down whiskey and smokes. I won’t though. I’ll go for a long bike ride, though the tendency is that it doesn’t make me feel anything other than tired. Yes, I know. I’m a bit of a downer and poor entertainer today. Sorry. If I had the ability to forget shit I would. Sometimes things just sneak up on me and leave me feeling a bit fucked up.

I don’t know. For all I know maybe something will come up and I’ll feel better today. I hope so, but I don’t anticipate this will be the case. I’m not even certain what would make me feel better  today, in fact. If not, well, hopefully tomorrow will feel better.

At any rate. That’s my rant for today. Hope your day is the exact opposite of mine. Enjoy your weekend and have a drink for me. Or better yet, bring me one and a pack of smokes. Maybe that’ll do it.

  1. Courtney says:

    Cheer up, my dear friend. Love you!

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