Do I like to speak about myself?

Well, it’s January 12, 2013. This means that the world did not come to an end after all. I’m uncertain how I feel about that. On one hand I’m still around to annoy people. On the other hand, I still have to pay bills.

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I’m still applying for jobs. The funny part is that recently my current employer located my active resume and contacted one of the owners of the company, my regional director and my general manager. It prompted a meeting with the general manager in which I didn’t even lie. She did make the mistake of asking me what was the reason I would look around considering I had been with the company for so long and had done well. I didn’t know if I should have started chronologically or alphabetically. The worst part is that there was no come back: she knew I was right.

I did get contacted for a company to do what I used to do which was marketing for architectural companies. The person wanted to meet me right away and wanted me to bring a sample of my writing (I doubt she meant my blog) as well as graphic design work. I noticed that they were offering the position my current salary. When I used to do this type of work, I was making roughly $10,000 per year more than that. Her response was: “Lee, give me a call at the office at your convenience. Our budget is set for a maximum of (x amount per year) but I am sure that once you are able to demonstrate your abilities and produce significant results, we will be able to increase that.” I haven’t replied, but if promises paid the bills I would stay at my current job. I’ll have to thank her and politely decline. Women never seem to give me quite what I want…

Speaking of women, I just found out that when a girl says to you that she’s not “a commitment type of girl” when you haven’t asked her that, it means that when you flirt with someone else they get really, really pissed off. I felt like I had a girlfriend momentarily, though I’ve never so much as kissed this individual on her cheek. Not that I’m totally closed to a relationship. There are flashes that go through my mind about being in a relationship that were great (other than the usual things). I mean, the contents of the texts I received when the other wanted attention, for example, made the work day feel long and the drive home even longer. Hell, they say communication is key. Once I had an ex send me the following text message from my house (and she looked drool worthy in them). There are certainly some advantages…

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Women: I’m really starting to think that someone deployed some type of contagious chemical agent where you all go bat shit crazy. Except for my mom. And my blog readers. I’m so disillusioned with my last 2 years of interaction with women that I’m probably two more crazy women away from dating and eventually marrying a blowup doll. You will all be invited to the wedding.

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Speaking of stamina, hopefully I can start exercising like before (I regained a lot of the weight I had lost). After visiting a regular doctor, an orthopedic surgeon, getting 2 sets of x-rays, testing for arthritis, taking anti-inflammatory medication for a month, testing my blood twice for everything on the planet except pregnancy and suffering through pain, popping and discomfort on my right elbow… it seems I have a tear on my triceps. I now have an appointment to have physical therapy done. Who knows what that entails and for how long, but it doesn’t strike me as a fun process. But.. It has to get done so that I can get back to functioning. Currently carrying anything from 20lbs up causes me great discomfort. You have no idea how many masturbation jokes I have had to endure. You guys are fucked up.

I finally determined that I wasted enough time being out of school. Ages ago I remember looking at my credits and realizing that I had far fewer time left in school than I anticipated. In fact, I remember thinking it was rather stupid to be so close and not going through with it. Kind of like making out, getting naked and them deciding to get dressed and leave. Who does that?? With that in mind, I finally met with a college to get some items out of the way and to get it all lined up. I was unable to complete what I needed to, but I made an appointment for early next week to figure things out. I’m determined to get it all done as quickly as possible. I want to kick myself for my wasted time, but I’m trying to forgive myself for being that stupid. The plan is to exceed my own expectations. If I can manage to do that, I think I’ll be able to forgive myself and maybe it will be fine.

I have yet to start studying for the licensing I have been wanting to get. I can’t quite get myself to do it just yet. Not only do I NOT want to actually manage a property (I only want the license so it looks pretty) I don’t want to work with my current employer. I am going to wait to get my school stuff resolved next week and THEN I’ll start studying at a good pace. The way I’m wired requires me to plan things out in a very neat, linear way or I get frustrated.

My planning, in fact, had me change plans briefly. After some thinking and debating and discussions… I will be gracing this shitty city for perhaps a year. I mean, I still fortunately have the ability to bounce (and I will certainly keep that very well in mind in case I feel it’s the best move) but I now have a plan, a focus, the motivation and determination that ┬áhad escaped me for years. It actually bothers me to say it, but for years I was basically just living life by going through the motions. Daily and finding it sufficient. Basically time and life were going by while I floated wherever the wind took me all while feeling stagnation, frustration, anxiety, depression and not having one cell in my body that cared enough to TRY.

I remember when I was a poor kid in a bad neighborhood I always told myself I would get it all done so that I wouldn’t have to worry. I fell far short of my expectations as a poor kid. In fact, I wonder what he would say if he had a few minutes to speak with me (assuming I didn’t choke myself the fuck out). I think the worst times were conversations with people I either cared about or respected who expressed genuine confusion at the comparison between whatever level of intelligence they perceived I had versus the visible accomplishments and the potential ones. Not only that, nobody understood why I didn’t seem to care. Well, I’m glad to report that I have gotten in touch with the proverbial inner poor hood kid and he’s not quite satisfied. I now have a list of personal and professional things I want to get done and the only way I won’t is if I’m dead. A shift in perspective, a life reevaluation and a readjustment of priorities is great, but feels weird. The world looks different. Not necessarily GOOD, just different.

Anyway, I have spent most of my day as you’ll see in the photo. New PJ’s, free balling, under the blankets watching TV with my dogs. I was debating on finding a few villains to go hang out with somewhere. I decided against it. I’m going to finish this blog, clean a little bit, water my herb garden, cook and as I do that, I’ll debate where I want to go. I’ll get ready and I’ll head out on the solo tip trying to find a little fun.

 

stitch sleeping

Yesterday I was north of my house (The Barn) close to my house for happy hour(s). Tonight I intend to venture south, though I don’t know how far south or the exact venue. As you see I patrol my range and mark my territory like a predator (the animal type not the sexual one). If you see me around town buy me a drink. You can say hi, but don’t sit with me. I may ┬áchange my perspective and am starting to feel better than ever, but I still have the potential to be the black hate wearing villain. Just kidding.

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