Vicious Valentine’s

Posted: January 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

I went to run some errands today…

I had to stop at CVS for my drugs, WinnDixie for groceries and I forget where the hell else I went. Every single time I turned my head I found Valentine’s Day items. Of course this is normal as they are itching for your money, but because I’m strange it seemed like a prank made just for me.

I mean, this was vast. As far as the eye could see. I stopped to take a photo for the blog and of course, this cute girl walks by and looks at me, then look at what I’m taking pictures and walks off. I don’t even know what she concluded. My timing is impeccable.


I wanted to torch every stuffed animal individually as I waited for my drugs. I wanted to eat all the candy, chocolates and throw the flowers into the stuffed animal fire.

It’s funny how it works because I remember when I was out, or on a trip or vacation, etc. etc. I always tried to find something to buy my insignificant other. It didn’t have to be a big deal. Just an “I thought about you” type of thing. I loved doing it. It’s kind of similar to my present. Now that I’ve been an uncle for a while, I can’t go to the malls without looking at boy’s clothes or CVS without looking at what type of toys there are.


For some bitter reason this got me thinking about all the wasted efforts and sweet gestures I had done in the past. I was just curious as to which I would not have given on hindsight. It also got me to wondering if I was a bit of a dick because I remember buying something absolutely unusual and awesome for the ex wife ages ago. Then I had a relationship and went the lazy, non creative way and bought the same thing. I kind of felt bad, but hey. Time is valuable.

Anyway, so since I’m bitter about Valentine’s I even decided that the clubhouse I work at won’t have any decorations either. At first I thought I could go cheap and buy a crapload of roses and that’s it. Then maybe decorations. Now I think it’s going to be barren and sign of my displeasure.


Yeah, most of what I’m writing is just to be funny and cynical, but I am sort of not looking forward to Valentine’s Day. Not quite prepared for that just yet. On one hand I’m still salty and on the other I get to save money. I’m sorry, but the half full glass is always equally empty!

I did want to interrupt my vicious attack against 2013 Valentine’s Day with some suggestions. Never forget that I’m like a brown Yoda. Guys, stray from the traditional gifts. Really. Show some creativity and effort. I’ve heard horror stories too. With that in mind I am here to save the day.

Do not buy
Fake flowers: I can’t think of a good time for you to purchase artificial flowers. Just don’t buy that shit. You’re going to become that guy she tells horror stories to her friends about.
Cheap wine: Look, you don’t have to be a wine enthusiast. You likely already know what type of wine she likes. Go to the store and ask someone. Look at the ratings. Get something for the occasion not your regular Night Train.
Stuffed animals: See I’m on the fence on this because it’s a personal thing. They might like that sort of thing or not. Personally I would avoid that in this instance.
Lingerie: Unless you know the EXACT size, color and style she would love do not do this. If you order something larger, you’re likely to not see what the lingerie covers for the rest of February. And if she doesn’t like it you’re screwed too. Let it go.
Clothes: Again, it’s the wrong time. Avoid this shit.
Any gift card: Don’t be such a lazy ass and put some thought into it.
No situation calls for a gag gift. If you do a gag gift on a girl, you should be castrated.
Any gifts in a ring size/shaped box: OK, that’s just dickish and you deserve to be lit on fire if you pull that one on a girl. Not even the Engagement Mug prank is cool, guys.

engagement mug

Find, make, buy or do something that accurately portrays how you feel. It’s as simple as that. Trust me, searching through the internet you get some incredible ideas. Things that people generally don’t get (which if why I purchased the same gift to two different relationships). The gift I purchased originally in the early 2000’s I STILL haven’t heard of anyone receiving it. And I still think it’s beautiful. There’s a couple others like that which I have archived in my little tiny brain for future reference. I can’t be average so I refuse to buy the normal stuff. I can’t give away my secrets, though guys, so you’re on your own.


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