I’m confused lately.

Year of the Snake:
You’ll lay down plans with friends (I doubt this. I have been laying low) and you’ll enjoy a new popularity amongst them (No, thank you. I bathe and revel in my infamy). Don’t try to get ahead of schedule at work (Whatever. I work at one pace. I can’t change it); patience will pay off (I don’t have much patience. Particularly in the work place). Erect (*snicker) an impenetrable barrier between your career life and your private life right now (Agreed. It’s bad enough I share my life story on here but I don’t have anyone from work on here so they can’t go gossip. Besides, I don’t really want anyone from work in my personal life. As for you guys, well, my life is always peculiar so I enjoy reminding you fuckers that it could always be worse or stranger!). Closely control your children’s studies (Excuse me? Hey, um, are any of you girls pregnant and is it mine???); give them advice and support their efforts. Be doubly cautious today if you must handle flammable liquids today. (No. I only play with flammable liquids on Tuesday. What the hell kind of statement is that?)

Overview:
Try not to worry too much about how intensely you’re feeling every little emotion today (Oh, come on. Do you know how many times I have heard someone moan and groan about my intensity? I’m tired of it myself!)— they’re mostly positive, aren’t they (No. Fuck you)? Now is a good time for you to make sure that you’re where you want to be (I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I used to be and I’m headed in the direction of where I need to be).

Extended:
You need to get your new plan or project launched as soon as you can (My plans are now in motion. Some I have discussed and some are in progress and I won’t divulge it until completion), so if you need help, you need to ask for it today (I need help. I drunk texted recently 😦  )! Time is of the essence. Swallow your pride and talk to that person you know could get you right across the finish line — find out if they have the time to come to your rescue (I don’t need to be rescued like a princess). Use your charm to get them on your side, if you have to (My charm is like a dried out river bed. That shit evaporated. I’m just left with cynicism, skepticism and perhaps a little paranoia). Flattery might be your best bet, especially since this person considers you an excellent judge of character)(Oh, yeah? Hey, person who considers me an excellent judge of character: read my blog where I discuss my ex wife and ex girlfriend. I’m the exact opposite of a good judge of character. A fake, yet pretty smile seems to confuse my brain).

Love:
It’s up to you to make sure you and your housemates are cool with the bills (These Shnauzers don’t pay shit. I should get them a gig). It might take some serious abacus work to sort it all out, but you have the mindset for it. You’ll get those numbers worked out lickety-split. (Who in fuck’s sake speaks like this? And abacus? Geez. You ran out of material)

Singles:
You’re quite affectionate today (Hell no. Affection as it relates to relationships, is not on the agenda. Those efforts were wasted and squandered and I certainly won’t be doing that with someone I’m not in a relationship with)! Your friends certainly love being near you (No. Trust me. That’s really unlikely lately), and anyone who’s a romantic interest (There is no romantic interest. That was removed from me too. I have lust interest) should find you great to be with, too. Engage your sense of humor along with the hot stuff (Few things are more romantic than my vulgar, cynical and perverted sense of humor….).

Career & Finance:
You know the drill: Work issues require cold logic (It does. And it is scarce). But when a hot temper is involved, it’s time to rethink your own approach. Be extra-careful when communicating (Oh, please. I’m too careful to slip.).

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