LateLee March 18, 2013

Posted: March 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

Roller coasting it.

Days have been kind of blurring together. The days of the week don’t seem to matter as of late as it appears I maintain the same routine. Don’t get me wrong, I keep myself as busy as possible, but it’s monotonous and there’s just never enough time to get it all done.

I work, go home, clean, cook and eat and by then it’s time for me to get ready for the  next day to do it all over again. I’ve added things to my routine such as the math courses I need to take in order to finally graduate, but it just becomes part of the routine. It’s as though I’m missing something big, but I can’t quite figure out what it is.

On top of that, I find myself struggling with stress and anxiety lately. More than usual. There seems to be so much going on; so much uncertainty, so much negativity and so many disappointments. It’s as though I’ve run out of good things and am left with the bad. I pretend pretty well, though. I don’t seem bothered, upset or sad as I seem to have mastered masking that to prevent questions. There are moments that my mind is focused as I have so much to do at work. Then there are moments where I separate myself from work and find myself thinking depressing thoughts. I try to avoid those but it comes rather naturally and goes away on its own.

I’m still waiting to hear back on the potential job. The longer it takes, the less positive I feel. They contacted me to “keep me posted” that the decision would be made within the next 10 days. I could really use the new challenge, the additional income and change of scenery. I’m just feeling like having good things happen are sort of few and far between lately.

I did get a good laugh with my post Perspectives PT1. People with good things to say about me confuse me. I truly can say that I don’t see myself anywhere near to the light they see me in. I’m still waiting on some more. In fact, some of them (purposely) have varying levels of familiarity with me. I’m very curious to find out what they care to share.

Since we’re on the blog topic,  I am flattered to say that on three different occasions someone approached me to tell me I had “inspired” them to write a blog. One of them seems to have stopped writing, which is too bad, I love her humor. One of them is a bit pissed and hurt at me (she will never admit it, but I’ve been around. I know what I’m talking about) and went as far as to take a few jabs at me trying to be as “subtle” as possible. Look, not only can I not please everybody; I’m never  going to try to please everybody. If you get upset because I do (or don’t do) what you want me to, well, sorry. I’m not a pet and I don’t perform tricks. I dance to my own tune. I’m random, confusing, detached, stressed, anxious and just overall weird. It’s not an ideal formula, but it is what it is. Deal with it or keep the fuck on moving. Just don’t try to send me subtle messages to display your displeasure.

Another friend of mine pointed out to me that she had a blog which had been operational for a while. I signed up to it and read every single post she had. It was more of a journal with brief thoughts and experiences. At some points she was going through some really depressing times and I felt for her. It seems things are better now, but I don’t know. Much of it sounded so similar to my own situation. I spoke with her a few times and I never picked up on it. I guess she too became really good at pretending.

Anyway, the only thing (other than hopefully a new job) that I’m looking for is that a friend from my past is coming to visit. I’m pretty sure that the last time I saw her was something like 1998 or so. Who knows. This has the potential to be quite a bit of fun so I’m looking forward to it. I have a few favorite places that I frequent so I plan on taking her there. It makes me laugh a bit because although I enjoy those places, one of them I used to go with the ex wife on a regular basis. The other I had a great time with an ex girlfriend before the relationship disintegrated. I guess it had to happen, but still.

Either way, here I am typing away during lunch. Wanting to go home, but knowing that it’s the same routine. Maybe something interesting/fun/exciting/GOOD will happen. I try to stay positive. Nothing really does, though, but I hope the same for the next day. Maybe I’ve just been too stressed and anxious lately and am reaching a point where it overflows.

What the hell. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for today. Maybe today will be the day that I’m pleasantly wrong and I break the routine.

  1. Q-Lay Own says:

    You need a moustache ride.

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