Yesterday and just today

Posted: April 28, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Finally my birthday is over.
I started the day by going to work. That pretty much set the tone for me. I did have a friend being me an ice cream cake which was incredibly delicious and nice.

Once my work day was done I went to my usual bar for a beer or three alone. With zero intentions of socializing, I brought my headphones and listened to some tunes while I had a “birthday brew.” Via text a friend realized what I was doing so he came by as he disapproved that I was there alone on my birthday. On top of that a coworker happened to be there and bought me a round. My friend then paid my tab. Very nice of them. Free drinks taste better. After that I wound up going to my brother’s house in Homestead. That’s all. “Celebration” complete.

I couldn’t help think about how I had wished (and at some points a long time ago – expected) that my birthday this year would have been instead of how it was. I also made improbable and impossible birthday wishes and I’m still waiting for them to happen. Wishes after all aren’t based on any facts, just blind hope. They won’t come true, but I wish they did.

I did receive a TON of birthday messages. I got them via text, email, Facebook posts, instant messages and even by being tagged in Instagram. I stopped counting when I reached 90-something. You guys absolutely rock. I have received belated birthday messages as well. Incredible. I got messages from my ex wife (which was nice of her), and three ex girlfriends so I must not be too bad of a guy these days (No THE ex girlfriend didn’t write, nor did I anticipate her doing so. Her choices turned us into nothing more than memories)

Still, I confess that this time last year I hoped I had a few personal things together and the day would have been better. I allowed myself to think that it could happen. Sadly that was not the case by miles. In fact, I’m back to reconsidering staying in Miami. Maybe it’s how I felt for my birthday and how tired I am of it. Maybe it’s because I think I have too many bad memories here. I think I caused a lot of my disappointment by having big expectations fall incredibly short. In fact, now that May is coming I realize its nearly half of 2013 and although I’ve made some great strides; well, I’m sort of Labrea Tar Pits level of stuck in others. Some things don’t seem to fall away. I keep telling myself that time fixes it all but after all this time I’m simply not so sure any longer.

Sure, you half full types will say hope for the best or that things will work out. All I’m saying is that it’s grown old after all this time.

Let me ask you Half Full types something. I may have mentioned that I keep this in my car. It’s funny to me because everyone asks me what the hell that’s doing in my car. Way back when I was married and I would go out of town, my then wife would stick this in my suitcase or brief case or somewhere I would find it just so that I knew she was thinking about me. I thought it was sweet. After our relationship came to an end and her items were removed from the house I wound up eventually dating falling for the wrong type of person. That further broke my heart and I found myself unable and unwilling to trust or be in a relationship again. That’s still the case. Anyway, one day while cleaning I ran into the bear just like I used to. At that point I had because friends with my ex wife (and complete strangers with the ex girlfriend). I nearly tossed the bear, but it made me realize that people who want to, can find redemption.  Because of this, I keep the bear in my car. Anytime I find myself getting upset I reach down and feel it and remind myself not everyone is beyond redemption. Everyone just has a story. I use that to try and not give in to hatred to the people that have gone sideways. Is still silly??

photo

My post-birthday day has been pretty laid back. Just house stuff. I have a terribly sore throat and cough so I’ll be calling the doctor tomorrow. Yep. The week I starting off poorly.

Either way, I ate poorly and drank my weight in booze. Now that my birthday has concluded I have to cut down on booze severely, eat healthy and continue my exercising. I have some time to fill in my personal life and I’ll just invest it in trying to be healthy. Particularly now that I’m quitting smoking. My mind is everywhere right now, though. I’m having one of “those” days. I’m struggling with a slight bit of anxiety and depression. Who knows how much of that is due to non smoking and how much of it is thinking about shit I shouldn’t. April sucked.

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