First things first. I was mistaken. I’m not, in fact having ANY withdrawal symptoms from not using anxiety medication. It was worse. I’ve been having headaches and bouts of dizziness because my blood pressure spent a few days so high that it concerned my personal doctor. (if I ever have a stroke and lose functions, have them put some wine and beer in my systems and unplug me). Fortunately I got meds for it and am monitoring it closely.

That was yesterday. Today, the pill to lower my blood pressure doesn’t seem to have done much. I took an additional .5 after verifying it was safe. By verifying I mean I read online.

I measured my blood pressure (way too high) and am laying down hoping the pill works as I’m a tad dizzy.

Needless to say I have been reading about high blood pressure extensively. It’s certainly a troubling and concerning thing to have. I’m far from educating myself in painstaking detail, but suffice it to say that a few things stood out. I couldn’t have been a better candidate if I volunteered and trained for it. I guess essentially that’s what I did. My life has almost always been an extremely stressful, alcohol-soaked one, buried within clouds of cigarette smoke and genetic predisposition.

Sure, I relatively recently have tried to remove stressors, modify alcohol intake and quit smoking, but each had a different level of success. It’s nearly amusing how stress makes me want to drink, which makes me want to smoke which in turn, well, kills you.

As I put my dizzy thoughts together I’m monitoring my pressure and it is fortunately going down, though I’m still dizzy and I wish it went down faster.

A half a mg. of Xanax keeps me a tiny bit relaxed rather than thinking I’m going to kick the proverbial bucket (there’s nothing like genuine concern and urgency in your doctor’s voice to give your anxiety a startup nudge).

Obviously I’m not a complete fool. I recognize that I have to implement strict and immediate restrictive changes. I did, however entertain a thought…

What if one day the doctor is right and I didn’t do enough in time and I suffered a stroke and died, I wondered. I didn’t concern myself with thoughts of afterlife as I don’t dabble in religion (plus, I’m fairly certain where I’d go when I go). I thought more along the lines of:

Who would cry?
Who would miss me?
Who would care and who wouldn’t even notice?

If I (In this case I use “I” as a general term for everyone) knew it was imminent and unavoidable:

What things would I want to say and to whom?
Assuming there was enough time left, what things would I want to do?
What things would I want to enjoy?
To accomplish?

Even as I continue to write this I can start feeling my blood pressure lowering as well as the Xanax kicking in, but the thoughts still remain.

I can’t answer my questions. I hate when that happens. Strangely enough, I suspect there would be a much larger list of cryers than those who would miss me. I don’t minimize my interactions, so that’s a funny, little near paradoxical, conclusion.

There would be a small group of those who cared (a large group of pretenders due to fakeness and cattle mentality) with a giant list of people who would barely even notice (I would haunt you, motherfuckers).

I don’t know if I could get around to telling each person what I would like to. There are so many that come to mind. So many people thinking so many things, going through so much and hoping for something else all together. I’d like to think I’d have time for some individual words of encouragement and knowledge. There are very few people I would invest the little remaining time with hateful words, though there are some.

I treat people fairly and just as certain ones earned the words of encouragement and positivity, some people earned the displeasure of having my last words to them be dipped in venom.

Things to do and enjoy? Well, women’s bodies aside, I actually really am one for the little things. Specific people’s company is actually just about as good as life gets. Despite social shortcomings I’m lucky enough to have some incredible people around me.

Some have the incredible ability of making even nearly stoic people such as myself laugh or smile. Even fewer have the talent to make you feel that at that precise moment, you’re the only one in the planet.

Then there are the bad ones. I would make sure to leave them with a piece of my mind too. It’s fitting. Poetic almost.

Either way, although I’m still dizzy on occasion, my blood pressure is steadying and once the meds accumulate in my system I hope to be ok. The dizziness lasts maybe a second and goes away but happens often.

Either way, don’t worry. I’ll be around for a long time. I’m working out, eating healthy, will re-quit smoking and meditating. Still, it was an interesting thought.


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