Me Me and Me

Posted: September 8, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m still here.

Well, I went to watch the UM vs UF football game at a bar yesterday. It was starting out to be a great game. I knew it would be interesting as the blue shirts (hopelessly) started arriving. I watched the game probably until just prior to halftime before I had to run (I’ll get to that).

Later on I went to meet up with a friend. It was odd because lately I have allowed myself to slide back into patterns I’ve avoided (ill get to that too) which includes just not speaking about how I’m feeling. Basically I’ve just started feeling increasingly frustrated and it has spent quite some time building up.

I’m now convinced that the way I’ve been feeling has been anxiety related. I missed all the signs and ignored all the changes.

I occasionally make reference to my “ex”. People get confused. My ex wife is someone I’m on good terms with and I could tentatively consider her a friend. The ex wife jokes are just funny to me because they sound like the stereotypical jaded divorcee. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. I guess what I’m saying is to stop taking those jokes seriously and complaining. Then there’s the ex girlfriend. She’s the easy one. If you live in Broward County you likely have slept with her. No. No jokes are usually mentioned about her.

As you can see, one of the things I have given in to slightly is being a bit of an asshole again. It was progressive. I think it prompted me to remove people I don’t speak with from Facebook. I even took the time to write a few. It’s a bit unlike me these days.

I’ve been back to feeling different levels of anxiety, depression, anger and a giant urge to lash out at slights or perceived slights. I guess my first sign was stopping the regular workout routine I had. It felt good because even on a bad day you can use all the negative energy to run or work it out of your system. It’s particularly effective for running.

I stopped running, lifting weights, meditating and just kind of almost wallowed. Stagnated in one little self created place and not caring enough to remove myself from it.

My last experience dating also left me a bit (a fuckload) hesitant to date. I seem to attract the wrong type of girl. My ex wife and I couldn’t have been more incompatible had we been from different planets. My relationship after that was with a close friend who would up being selfish and self centered and hands out the vag like stickers at a convention. Lets just say that trust isn’t high on my qualities right now.

This placed me in a weird place. I decided to avoid dating but also avoid my old (very old) behavior of just random hookups. Well, lets just say that this creates a sexual paradox. How do you get some if you don’t want to date but you don’t want to sleep around? Of course many of my guy friends disapprove of how little importance I have given to this. It appears that in their eyes it is my duty to sleep around as I’m single. It’s also my duty to find a great girl and marry her (this is Miami. I’m more likely to find an honest cop than I am a decent girl-and I think honest cops are myth)

How do you tell someone how you’re feeling when the expectation is for you to just go 1960’s, free love and shit? I did my craziness back in the day. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much.

I just recently became acquaintances with someone who understood my position (no pun). A random hookup with someone who I have zero interest with turned out to be as unfulfilling as I remembered. That’s why I left in the middle of watching the game (had it been boxing there would have been zero chance I would have considered going).

I still over think. I want to pinpoint the moment when I lost my focus. The moment where I made the mistake of letting myself slide backwards. I know I won’t be able to catch it, but I wonder what caused it. When was it?

More importantly I take some degree of solace in the recognition of my mind frame. Some. I’m glad I caught that but I sit and wonder what I’ll do next in order to improve again. I don’t think I’ll get my answer today. My mind is everywhere. Of all the obstacles I’ve had, anxiety, depression and an OCD focus are the absolute worst ones.

It makes things look worse, feel stronger, and last much longer. People bother me with their inability to understand this. It’s not necessarily their fault. They’re only speaking their mind with little information. On my bad days I like to think that perhaps they should get informed before speaking their mind with no basis. It’s just easier for them to complain.

I have a weird and funny (to me) habit. My mind is random and I think of odd things and I eventually forget and it frustrates me. Due to this I have notepads everywhere. A busy day has me making a to do list for the day. Short term planning. Long term planning. Bucket list. Projects. Notes. Then I have a main one where I can calmly consolidate my thoughts.

I know my next step is in there. I just don’t have it in me to look today. I’m going to keep my mind as busy as possible with useless crap today. Tomorrow I restart my normal process. The self improvement one.

In fact, ill educate some. I keep it real and I keep it honest. I just happen to have funny or unusual situations pop up regularly. Truly. Saying that I was once married and was divorced or that I dated a friend who turned slut is basic. It’s common. It sounds bad. The truth has comedic elements. Some That seem so unlikely that not everyone will think it’s true. I think maybe it’s time I share it. Maybe it sheds light. Maybe it’s cathartic. Maybe it doesn’t make an ounce of difference. Neither ex reads my blog so they’re unlikely to find out I mention them. If they do, well don’t worry ladies. I keep it real.

On a good note, I have an interview Monday. This has tons of potential and could open up a few other opportunities for me. Hell, if it goes well, my ass is finally leaving the idiot factory called Miami. Wish me luck (don’t fuckin’ call me) and ill keep you posted! I hope your days have been better than mine. Don’t worry though. Ill be better tomorrow. Just give me today.

  1. I love your honesty and keeping those around you honest….love you and I’m here for you for whatever…its Laurita Btw :))

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