I’m not a keeper of double standards, but it amused me that this originated from a female friend.

I was chatting with a (sexy) friend when she expressed some amusing frustration. It seems that for some time she has had a friends with benefits type situation with this one guy. As she’s single and attracted to this guy physically but finds him incompatible, this is the temporary status she settled upon.

It’s all running smoothly until the guy catches feelings and starts asking to change the situation towards something more romantic.

Now, suffice it to say that I’m fully aware (more than most) at one’s inability to control emotions. This, however struck me as different.

First of all, my friend is very attractive and I like her personality. I can see how a guy would be interested in a relationship. On the other hand, if you are seen as romantically incompatible but you have the option to have casual and regular sex with that person, well that comes as a very close second.

I agree that it’s less than ideal compared to what he now wants, but as far as consolation prizes, well, it’s the gift that keeps giving.

Interestingly enough, I once was having some drinks with another female friend who has a similar arrangement. She finds herself uninterested in a relationship, but spends some time with select friends. On this occasion she spotted one with another female on a day he had said he was out of town. That closed the book on him.

She and I laughed because the guy had little idea he was caught lying. What were the odds after all? That aside, as there was no commitment there was no reason to lie. Had he not lied there would have been no issue.

Both of these girls got me thinking. Usually you hear guys (like me) complaining that girls in this arrangement find a way to screw it up. You rarely hear it from a girl’s perspective. I suspect it has far more to do with women being far more discreet about their dalliances than guys are more so than the generalization that girls are more prone to catch feelings.

With that in mind I asked some of my female friends what the rules of this game are. After all, you need to know the rules of the game to play. Here is what they came up with. These are in no particular order:

1. This agreement is binding. A contract. There are duties and expectations that you need to abide by. Violation of this contract is subject to immediate termination of said agreement.

2. It is the responsibility of both parties to cancel the contract once feelings are involved as it directly violates stipulations.

3. Never, under any circumstance tell the other that you love them.

4. If, on a rare occasion, you are out in a public place, there are to be no public displays of affection. None. You are not her boyfriend and will not be.

5. Never display any jealousy. Again, you’re not her boyfriend and you are not in a relationship.

6. Do not spend the night and do not TRY to spend the night. You put them in a bad position (so to speak) when they have to politely decline or feel forced to agree.

7. If you’re friends who hang out, that’s one thing, but there are no “dates” to be had. You’re disqualified from dates.

8. If you’re not close friends, minimize small talk when apart. Fight any urge to incessantly call, text or email.

9. Keep naughty texts or calls confined to meeting. You don’t know what’s going on in the girl’s day to day, but you can easily disrupt it by doing so.

10. If you have more than one sexual partner, say so. Safety first.

11. Birth control methods must be discussed and established.

12. Establish details of this contract. When? Where? Do’s and don’ts. Strictly abide by this.

13. Always know that ANY violation will likely cause the agreement to end on the spot. If you caused it to end, take it with dignity.

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Comments
  1. kmercado20 says:

    I agree with most of this. I had a situation where I was getting dressed and the puppy face along with “you aren’t sleeping over” made me feel like an asshole. Then after a serious talk about if we had other partners, I noticed something that proved he was lying. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, I got a half-truth and that was the end of it. Oddly enough b\c he merely lied when it wasn’t necessary. I just wanted to know for safety reasons. I have a friend who calls me a pretty boy and after this incident, I started to ponder if my mind has truly converted to that of a mans.

    • sirtilc42 says:

      Well, look who has resurrected… Anyway, no. Your mind is clearly not converted to that of a man’s. This proves it. Not one bit of the ideas posted in here are from a guy. These are bits and pieces of information from (as I recall) 4-5 women.

      I agree with you. Lying doesn’t really have much of a place, but in this istance, it’s even more unnecessary and there’s no advantage to it. Imagine how many guys would have liked to be in your friend’s shoes and he screwed it up himself.

      • kmercado20 says:

        Resurrected like Akasha 🙂 Yea. Guys have become increasingly more emotional and women the opposite in regard to sex. Im noticing a trend.

        • sirtilc42 says:

          ..Akasha enjoyed Lestat..

          I haven’t see. A change on the female side. I think they’re just more open about it. I could be wrong, I guess. I just have yet to first hand witness the out of the ordinary behavior.

          • kmercado20 says:

            I think you are right to a degree about being more open about it. Society still pushes women to be these sweet, proper, virginal things, which IMO leads to many women slut-shaming other women. This mind set is ingrained in many of us since a young age, the idea that women are not held to the same sexual standards as men. I think this “sexual liberation” so to speak is not something that women automatically do. I believe it takes time to reverse the mind fucking of society so we stop slut-shaming ourselves. We have slowly come to accept that women and men are not so different in regard to sex, some more or less emotional about it than others, but at the end of the day, every needs to bone.

  2. don says:

    very logical and highly unrealistic philosophy. it will work for a few people some of the time, for others it will not work at all, for any length of time at all. i.e., the contract won’t last until the ink is dry. we are dealing with people here, not lawyers.

    • sirtilc42 says:

      I mostly agree with you. It is, however, not an open-ended contract subject to cancellation by either party with or without notice. I just am amused that it was from a 100% female perspective. I REALLY was caught off guard.

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