Few things can make my brownness turn white with fear.

It all started with a notebook.

Yet again I mention that I have notepads all over the place. I take notes, have a page for random thing like song quotes or whatever I can think of. I try to consolidate thoughts in one notebook, which is the topic of today.

20130926-141800.jpg

For a few days now I have been anxiously looking for this notebook. This big black book. I went to visit a hot female friend of mine because I was certain I left it at her house. Wrong. I spent a few hours tearing my house apart to find it to no avail. My subconscious pushed a thought to the forefront and told me I may have left it at my second home (Buffalo Wild Wings) the last time I was there.

I called and the G.M. quickly let me know they had noticed it immediately when I left it, but had forgotten to call. They had, however, left it in the office with a stickie on it with my name on it. All i had to do was ask for one of the managers and they would return it to me.

It sounded pretty straight forward and easy. All of a sudden I froze and wondered what was in this notebook. I mean, I write and remove so much that I don’t know what’s in there. Sometimes it’s for my blog (which I can only imagine will be weird to read if they don’t know what I’m writing about). Sometimes it was work related. Or as simple as a grocery list. I just didn’t know, but I was terrified that in this instance I had something that was private. I could see the staff standing in one straight line, each one reading my entire notebook before passing it to the next person who would then burst out in tears of laughter.

Fortunately this time I turned out to not be quite that interesting. There was nothing incriminating in my notebook. Hell, I think there was nothing even interesting in there. It’s just as well. I mean, I can see how things like this page would make them raise an eyebrow, but it could have been worse (keep in mind this page is not complete. I intend to keep writing until there’s no room for no reason other than entertainment)

20130926-145238.jpg

Anyway, I wondered what were things that could go worse than losing mystupid notebook (it needs a nickname – ideas?) and this spewed out from my brain.

________________________________________

Virginity:
Yes. This is as bad as it sounds. It would have been terrible to lose this instead. Little known Fact: I’m saving myself for my second marriage.

Wallet:
Interestingly enough I don’t worry TOO much about losing this. I mean, I don’t have credit cards, I rarely carry cash and I know what I look like. The worst part of this would be that I have a NICE wallet, not the contents.

Keys:
This is different. Had I lost my keys I would have had a mental breakdown. I realized I wasn’t prepared to resolve this issue if it came up so I’m implementing a obsessive compulsive plan to be prepared in the event this occurs.

Passport:
I do not remember the last time I was out of the country so I don’t know why I would lose this. Either way, isn’t this an easy fix? I mean, I’m not going to travel to Iraq or something.

Dignity:
Dign-a-what? Does this not require a general consensus? If so, I’m so very unconcerned. Is this not a matter of perception? Bleh. Fuck it.

Cash:
I rarely carry cash. If I do, there tends to be a really good reason for it (Not strip clubs, assholes). I would be furious for days or more if I lost my cash. Even the thought of it makes me cringe.

Direction:
I have no sense of direction. Had I been encouraged to become a Boy Scout I would have died somewhere. Probably while doing something safe and rather mundane. Thank goodness for having GPS.

A Phone Number:
I can imagine having a phone number I really wanted to get, with little chance of getting it again, and losing it. That would bum me out for months. I remember back in the day I had a Palm Pilot (You heard correctly) and someone who I wont name had too much to drink and while messing with it, managed to set a password to it which they did not remember setting. In fact, this person had the nuts to deny doing it even as I watched them do it. Either way, the only way to use the device was to reset it and lose all information. And I never saw this fine ass chick again!

Mind:
This sounds far more harsh than it really is. I don’t “lose” my mind. I just temporarily misplace it. It happens often and I’m cool with that.

Patience:
This I have struggled to reign in for years now. I do fairly well with it these days, but it’s so simple to become annoyed and lose it. It’s a conscious effort. I’d almost rather lost my notebook instead. It’s far too draining to lose my patience (or ‘lose my shit’ in the vernacular).

Job:
I resigned from my last job. It sucks looking for work and I sometimes miss the old job, but I don’t regret it. Dear ex employer: Fuck you.

Morals:
I used to not lose my morals. I just sort of used it as an accessory you can put on or remove as you see fit. These days i operate on a significantly more strict set of self imposted rules, but if I’m under the inlfluence it doesn’t count.

Memory:
My memory is the most peculiar thing about me (imagine that!). I struggle at times, to remember some very basic and repetitive things. On the other hand, I often recall small things in great detail for a very long time and for no apparent reason. I lost a lot of memory during my last high school year and two years of college so this wouldn’t bother me.

Condoms:
OK. This is awful. I mean, you assassinate the vibe with an error like this. You Merc’ed it. You killed it. You Dexter’ed it. Few things would be worse than losing them. Well, for those of you who actually don’t have a chalk line around your sex lives such as myself.

Consciousness:
Screw it. If you lose your consciousness you have nothing to worry about because you’re not living it.

Humor:
Don’t lose the humor! Even when it’s my style of humor. Your world becomes more tame and boring if you let go of the humor in things. I couldn’t see myself without a sense of humor. I can tell you how I ‘m battling an ant problem at home in a way that would get you to laugh. If you had a soul.

Passwords:
If I lost a password I’d not be worried. If I lost them all I’d freak out because it would take ages to recover them all. Now, if I lost a list of where someone would keep all passwords, it’s time to raise to Defcon 3.

Car In Parking Lot:
This sucks. I’m a creature of OCD habit, so I tend to try to park in the same area all the time. If I don’t pay attention and am forced to park elsewhere, I have forgotten where I parked and have spent more time than I’m willing to admit, trying to find my whip vehicle. I need exclusive parking everywhere I go.

Cell Phone:
Nothing. I repeat: NOTHING would be worse than losing my cell phone. The only thing worse than losing my cell phone would be losing it if it didn’t have a password to keep it locked. Not only that, many of you people would suddenly have your private photos seen by a stranger(s). Don’t worry. I keep it locked and it couldn’t stay closer to me if I chained my arm to it like The Football.

Religion:
I’m sorry. That’s all I had. It’s just an old R.E.M. song… sigh.  It’s been a long day.

Advertisements

Give me your damn input!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s