Meh Monday

Posted: October 14, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It is what it is, after all.

I purposely woke up early today. I made some coffee and started studying. Right now, studying is frustrating me because I’m moving very slowly.

I’m making flash cards as I go so that I can test myself at random times and out of order. Thing is that I don’t want to memorize the answers. I must understand what it is I’m saying.

It would likely be easier to just memorize the information to just recite, but it’s one of those little weird quirks that I can’t help.

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Just to remain consistent, I’ve been feeling a bit moody, impatient and down lately. Same thing today, so when I received a call letting me know that my job interview for tomorrow was cancelled as they were on a hiring freeze, all I could do was roll my eyes and think: “it’s gonna be one of those fuckin’ days” and keep studying.

In between the studying I get up and do an exercise or two and come back. On one hand it ensures I stick to my workout and in the other it helps me from jumping out of the window with boredom.

In a bit I will have to take a break to make some lunch and get back to it. Fortunately (unfortunately) not working allows me to have plenty of studying time, but at some point I want to apply for jobs and yet, I’m stressed because I’m not as far along as I anticipated.

Throw in the fact that I have the math work I’ve left on the side while I do this and, well, I’m just stressing myself out pretty badly.

In a work environment I’m brilliant at multiple tasking and prioritizing. Somehow, in my personal life I don’t quite have the ability to do the same. I’m not certain why that is, but it is what it is.

The reality is that my workouts simply don’t help reduce my stress, at least not in any obvious way that I consciously notice.

I find myself hoping for some type of positive something that can be a distraction with stress without bothering to create one myself. Sort of like hoping for a freebie when I should be able to somehow produce one myself.

Typically when one aspect of my life feels overwhelming I temporarily focus on another until I’m ready to deal with the original one. That’s not an option as I must remain focused on this until I succeed (at this stage, failure truly isn’t an option).

I have to somehow rein my thoughts, stressors, spacing out habit, moodiness and depression and just focus. Monumental indeed.

I often think what I can do to try and have fun or free my mind (like Neo, but cooler), but every minute I’m not burying my face in this book’s personal level of hell is, well, a minute that I should be.

My Monday is written. The script reads like this: study, math, exercise. It repeats and isn’t in order.

In the end I’m going to wait for that positive freebie as I refuse to make time to create it and somehow – somehow maintain my sanity in the process.

“It’s temporary” I say to myself, but I’m referring to the work and not the sanity. That hasn’t arrived yet. It’s on back order.

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