Days Like Today

Posted: November 18, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Some days feel like they’re not worth getting out of bed for.

I guess today started out normally. Just before midday, though I regretted getting out of bed. This new job is a giant pain in the ass and so are the people in it. It’s hard to overlook it many times in a day.

I know that I have a slight issue when things are out of my control. I feel more at peace when I control things. It feels more structured and organized. Lately I haven’t quite been feeling in control of a few things and although I tried to ignore it, it was always there. It nags at me when it’s quiet. It nags at me when I try to sleep.

I finally broke a little bit and wound up taking a half day. I didn’t want to, but I needed to. I spent a few minutes talking with The Oracle and eventually met up with a friend. I explained in detail all the stuff running through my mind. I knew the answers before they came, though. I’m aware of the things I can’t control. I just always feel like I somehow can turn things in my favor. I hate knowing that it’s not always the case. It isn’t pleasant.

I’ve been kind of stressed out (thank goodness for the supplements I’m taking because I imagine I’d feel many times worse) and found myself not eating much, having a little trouble sleeping and having a slightly difficult time in focusing. It’s really out of character for me to have spoken with a friend about it. Truth is that I hadn’t told my friend, well, anything that was going through my mind. I recognized that the fact that I have felt better allowed me to be honest and open about things and I was glad for that. I spent too many years trying to go through everything on my own, in private.

At this stage, of all the things that are troubling me, I’m uncertain which will turn out to be favorable. I really don’t know. I refuse to acknowledge it 100% and say that certain things will not go my way. I refuse. I will concede and say that some things very well may not. Maybe I can turn things around. Maybe I can’t. I just have to be able to go about my life with the best possible and positive hopes and deal with things as they come. I have to be able to recognize “bad” situations as learning ones and as opportunities. That hasn’t come easy to me, but I’m up to the challenge. I can only hope that I have it in me these days. It’s just all new now that I feel different than before. Root for Lizzle.

“I can only say I’ll try, until the day I die..”

Funny thing is that I recognize that in the past I was upset and hoping for something¬† good to happen. Now it just reminds me of a pet waiting for scraps to fall from above. It’s so much easier to do that and wait. And keep waiting. And then be angry that nothing happened. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing will just happen. You do the best you can and hope for the best outcome. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t, but you keep moving.

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