As I sit here, I wonder if there’s much to tell, if anything.

I’ve been having a bit of a rough few days. Maybe a week. I don’t know. Days blend together when I’m feeling a bit confused.

Work has been making me miserable. This job that was meant to be just a little temporary thing while I looked for a stable one has become the bane of my existence. I’ve started compiling a post about it, I expect you’ll be just as surprised. I actually dread going in every day. I hate feeling that way. I’m going to have to put some things on the table for them today. I’m not going to be derailed by a petty job that was meant to be temporary.

I also got a message from somewhat of a “historical figure” of my past. It’s surprisingly hurtful when you read a message and you realize it’s devoid of emotion where there ought to be some. I found it very difficult to not revisit the past and find myself angry, upset or hurt. Part of me wants the ability to accuse them and confront them and part of me says it sucks, but it’s history. “You,” my other half counters, “should confront and hold people accountable if they’re unwilling to do so themselves. You can’t let anyone get away with anything.”

But I can. In the same way that I can’t let a piece of shit job take me from the direction I’ve been headed, I really can’t afford to have someone from the past (strictly the past, not present or future) incidentally make me feel any sort of way either. You can’t make people see their faults if they don’t want to look. Not in the office and certainly not in the past.

I’m happy for my commitment to self improvement, but I realize that not everyone tries that. People can get so wrapped up in the moment and within themselves that everything else is of little consequence. The small office I’m in has the husband and wife owners wrapped up in themselves that they will sacrifice anything to feel in charge. My metaphorical historical figure got lost within long, long ago too.

They’re both similar in ways. I had optimistic expectations of both. Far too optimistic, it turns out, and they’re both just… damaged, perhaps a bit dysfunctional and with an unwavering stance contradictory of common sense and generally counterproductive. Up until recently I always looked at everything in such a way that if I kept working at it, things just had to fall into place. It had to. It makes me relentless and I’ve enjoyed that. For the most part it works.

I met with a friend yesterday and vented. The funny part is that it really isn’t in my nature to do that. I tend to keep things inside and try to handle it internally. Once I found that I was seeking out my friend, I took it as another sign of my improvement. My friend listened as I uncomfortably spilled the truth of weeks of frustrations that I had kept to myself. I nearly laughed because while she worked in the kitchen I laid on her couch. It felt like she was going to say “tell me about your mother..” while taking notes, but she didn’t.

“You can’t control everything” was one of the things that jumped out at me. She knows full well my need for control. “..unfortunately there are other people in the picture and you can’t make them do what you want them to”. Indeed.

“I guess I thought I can fix everything,” I half said and half thought. “You can’t.”

By the time I was done (those yoga pants she had on were hot. Ladies: please go buy yourself a pair and send me photos: LOLIVARES@BELLSOUTH.NET) I had quite a bit of thinking to do. I didn’t sleep well, per se, but I slept better than in days. It took me until this morning to come up with a game plan. See, my work environment is negative. I likely can’t change that because I can’t change THEM. I’m unlikely to get them to recognize that they’re wrong, but they will listen to me. Once I’ve had my say, they can make whatever decisions they feel need to be taken. Do I think that any and all decisions will be made from a self centered and self absorbed perspective? Absolutely. But that’s what happens when you lose yourself. The historical figure did the same.

Neither one of them may ever bounce back. Neither one may have it in them to look forward and think “wait, this isn’t right” or “I’ve made a mistake”, but they don’t have to. It’s also not my job to help them see. You do what you can, but it’s within (or without) each individual to open their eyes or not. What I DO know with a high degree of certainty is that people (or offices) that are rife with negativity, self absorption and short sightedness are not something I want to be around. Not at this stage. Not when I’m trying to get better at everything.

It’s too late for the historical figure. I’m afraid the eyes have been willfully sewed shut. It may be too late for the office too. I don’t know. But I’ll find out. Things can’t continue the way they’ve been going and I’ll politely make certain they’re aware of this. It isn’t optional. They don’t have to see either.. but they will hear me.

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