Lately End November

Posted: November 24, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I never really know if there’s going to be much on these.

Well, I guess chronological is the best way.

Thanksgiving is coming up. Not sure entirely how I feel about this. I’m doing better than I have in a long while, but I fell short of what I wanted. I keep hearing shitty street corner philosophy about the things one wants vs. what is meant to happen and such. I know how I feel about that quite clearly. I may drive to Jacksonville for Thanksgiving, I may not. I have to really look at some things but my mind has been unable to focus lately. If I wind up sticking around I’ll have to find something to distract myself to get through the day.

Pending some items, it seems like I may be moving. It kind of snuck up on me and, well, there it is. I should be glad, but the truth is that all it has done is kind of muddled everything. Sure, I had no clue what the hell was going to happen in my life, but this potentially leaves me with absolutely no clear path. That’s not entirely true. I mean, I would know only where I’d be and for what. Other than that, everything else would be up in the air. That degree of uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. “It’s exciting,” “It’s an adventure,” is what I keep hearing from those in the know. It almost sounds like they mean it, but it’s clear they want to forge my thoughts. I’m not excited and it pushes the boundaries of my comfort (which I guess I’m sort of fine with, but there’s no turning back which scares me). We’ll see. Hopefully I’ll have something to share on that end in the near future. It’s not 100% certain just yet so I can’t plan anything.

One certainty is that I’m spending Christmas and New Year’s in Miami. The possibility of it being my last one here is strange. Even without that I’m not looking forward to the holidays anyway. In all fairness I’m trying to embrace it this year (I even let my Facebook friends know I would gladly accept Christmas cards this year – and I’ve already received some! Let me know if you’re sending me one!), but sometimes I stumble.

I do it to myself. My mind goes places it shouldn’t go to during this time of year. I think a lot about the past, the future, where I am vs. where I’d hoped to be. I always seem to focus on the negative and it seems the positive just isn’t enough. I have to figure out a way to correct that. I have no idea of what I will do Thanksgiving, then I don’t know what I want to do with myself for Christmas and, I really don’t know where I want to find myself at the stroke of midnight at the end of the year. Things aren’t the way I planned and in a rare moment of blindness, I had no Plan B.

I hate to say it, but I suspect there’s going to be a lot of pissed off friends because it’s looking more like my annual disappearing act for the holidays will remain intact. Sure, this is the most likely scenario. I do know enough to recognize that my life seems to have some sudden twists and turns. Even if I planned on disappearing, I can’t count out that something will happen. I don’t even know WHAT. We’ll see. First things first, let’s get past Thanksgiving. I’ll try to keep a positive and level head. Hopefully I can focus enough to figure something out.

To top that off I’m trying to figure out the best way to quit smoking. I’m growing increasingly frustrated that I feel like I need one when I’m stressed because, well, lately I’m always stressed. Maybe that stupid book will help me again. OK. I’ve had enough. I’m out of here. As easy as that I’ve worked myself into being grumpy. Welcome to my world.


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