LateLee December 9 2013

Posted: December 9, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I ‘m still sick.

I’m better than I was before, but a little over a week out and I’m still sniffling, feeling nauseated and lethargic. This is starting to aggravate me. Maybe it is partly responsible for my mood, I don’t know. The last two days have found me unusually moody and I’ve had a little trouble sleeping again. The night time cough medicine helped but not enough. I wish I could pull thoughts out of my head like a Kleenex.

Anyway, I was speaking with a friend recently. On this occasion we were discussing what happens with me in a future relationship. I have the concern that I don’t really have the willingness or ability to open up to someone the way I’ve done in the past. I explained that at times I miss the way the positive feelings were like, but then I remember the bad ones and just how intense those were and how long it lasts. I wanted nothing to do with it. I don’t know. I’m afraid, honestly. My disinterest concerns me, but the idea that I may have lost something of myself worries me more. Is it possible that I lost the part of me willing and able to open myself up and make myself vulnerable? The ability to trust someone THAT implicitly? It’s possible that, as usual, I’m working myself up to a place that I don’t have to, but I don’t know. I hope that if and when the time comes, it turns out I still have something left to give.

As I mentioned, I still have a nasty cold (speaking of cold, my friend wasn’t wearing a bra when we spoke. It’s very hard to concentrate and pretend you’re not looking).  I barely ate yesterday(I had half a chicken breast and maybe 1/2 a cup of vegetables) and chased it with night time flu medication. I’m frustrated because I have a fairly important meeting today and I need to be on point… and I’m not. My mind is elsewhere, my mood is shit and I feel sleepy. This meeting determines Product Number Three’s likelihood of success or failure and yet here I am and there’s my mind.

I honestly don’t know what to think right now. Part of me thinks “it’ll be fine. hang in there” while another part of me wants to pull a big fuckin’ Houdini and disappear from contact for a few weeks. I want to do the RIGHT thing so I’m kind of stuck in an endless circle of thinking. Let’s see where that goes…

On a different note, within the last few weeks I’ve seen a few people whom I haven’t seen in a very long time. As far as I know, the response has been positive. I’ve heard comments regarding everything from my physical appearance, weight loss, fitness all the way to my personality (nothing about me is more polarizing than my personality). I’ve felt strangely flattered. It seems people find me to be more calm, more at peace, happier, more mature (hehe), and just…better. For the most part I agree. I think time, experience and introspection tempered a lot of negative shit, but it got me thinking. I never tailor what I do due to the general consensus, but I wondered what people see when they look at me.

I must be as polarizing as I’ve ever been and more so perhaps. As you can tell from previous posts, there are some people who would place me up there with Damien and just today I heard about my ability to be gentle and warm. Yeah, ME. Go figure. Do people think I’m odd? Angry? Crazy? Intelligent? Stupid? I wish I could temporarily hear those thoughts. I don’t know. Tonight is just a weird night (I clearly started to write this the night before). I hadn’t felt a little moody for a little while. It’ll pass. This night time cough medication is going to kick in soon. I’ll keep you guys posted on my progress.

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