It’s the middle of the last month already?

The thought struck me briefly as I sit here watching TV since I can’t sleep again. The last time this happened I decided to look through my old blog posts from the end of last year so I could update those for this year. I regretted it immediately. I opened several old posts and read them a few times. It seems like just yesterday.

A few things stood out in these posts. One of them had me showing frustration at a new relationship (red flag missed) even as I hoped for the best. It was like watching a movie that you’ve seen before. I wanted to root for the guy that wrote the post, but I knew there was a crappy ending to that particular story. Even now, as I read the things I wrote I found myself becoming angry/sad/frustrated. I had forgotten certain things. I realized that it isn’t in my best interest to do this accidental revisiting. In fact, I’ve concluded that I need to be as far removed from anything related to this as possible. It calls for a few uncomfortable choices, but in the end, I’m the only one looking out for me so it’s just something that will have to happen.

I continued reading other unrelated posts. In a testament to proper writing, I could actually read the depression, frustration and loneliness in so much. In particular there’s a period of two years (leading up to today) in which I expressed increasing anxiety at an inability to get what I wanted. I started tapping away at updating 2013, but couldn’t stop comparing it with the previous two.

Sadly, 2013 seemed all too similar to the previous two. I didn’t realize how much until that moment. Only towards the end of 2013 did the story change a bit. I guess the truth is that “a bit” doesn’t quite say it. The changes which took place were pretty monumental. I guess being impatient is what makes it difficult as none of the changes have an immediate impact. It requires me to be patient and persevere, but patience has never been my strong suit.

The things I have been doing have a lot of potential to have a huge positive impact on my story but only in 2014. I still have to wade through the usual muck of 2013 to get there, though. I have to persevere through the same people, the same history, the same drama, the same anxiety & stress, the same disappointments. It’s not easy. Some days (like today) I find myself looking forward to leaving things behind rather than having a bit of nervous fear to do so. I don’t know if that’s a sign of my need/desire to move on or one displaying the level of resignation for everything here.

Within the last couple of days I have been quietly working on my next big change. It’s taking more time than I anticipated, but I can see progress. I have been very diligent at handling every requirement needed to try and make this happen. The amusing part is that this first process is supposed to be the easiest part. Once I have it all squared away I get to find out if I am capable of making it happen. I honestly don’t know if I can. I wish I had more confidence, but I recognize that I have certain limitations due to my anxiety that could derail me. In the past I’ve actively avoided situations where these limitations can cause me some potential issues. The problem with that is that you don’t actually know with certainty if those are situations that required you to do so. It isn’t science. It became a habit to proactively do that. Now, I don’t know if anxiety will prevent me from succeeding, but I can’t allow it to prevent me from trying.

I have recently found a terrible fear of failure. So much so that I haven’t been able to mention what this process I’m doing is for and when I do try, I’ll only mention it once it’s done. I expect to only let two people know I’ve started on this and they’ll know only out of necessity. Keep your fingers crossed, though, if I can pull this one off it’ll be a doozy.

As for today, I’m going to just grab more coffee. Maybe mow the lawn. Decorate a bit for Christmas despite me not having intentions to celebrate the holidays. I can feel the urge to distance myself from social situations and I think I’m about done fighting that. I do have a couple of social commitments I made which I intend to fulfill first. Once that’s done, I think I’ll detach a little bit. I guess I couldn’t avoid the yearly holiday slump after all.

As for you, enjoy your weekend.

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