Mediocre morning!

Just keeping it real as I can’t say “good morning” and mean it.

Once more Christmas came and went leaving me a bit rattled in the process. It’s actually growing old to dread the holidays, get through them and do the same for my birthday only to repeat it every year. I had hoped this year would be different, though. I tried to remain as positive and hopeful as possible for things to be different, but at some point I just threw my hands in the air with the realization that it would remain unchanged. New Year is coming…and it will be the same as last year. And the year before.

I hit a bit of a roadblock in the last few weeks. I didn’t quite see it coming, but I started feeling progressively lower untilĀ I found myself in dark, familiar places. The frequency of my workouts diminished. My healthy eating was forgotten. I took one of my old meds to get to sleep and not think about much. I even smoked for two days. It’s funny how quickly that has a negative impact on your body, though. I went for a run and I did the worst time I’ve gotten in a long while. I also didn’t have the stamina I had shown before.

My mind has been taking me down memory lanes I don’t want to go to. It sneaks up on me, too, which makes me laugh even as I hate it. I can be focused on a task and a random (and unwanted) thought will pop into my head and there goes my mood. It happens that quickly and it has been happening often. As I sat at the bar, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other I realized I was there trying to get away. Trying to fake myself into feeling better. The absurdity of it struck me. I’m not one to lie to anyone else so trying to lie to myself would have been humorous had it not reeked of desperation. I tossed my smoke, finished my drink and walked to the car. Fittingly it was now pouring. My phone was safely stored and I had my go-to cheap headphones so I put up my hood (I was rocking a hoodie), turned on music and walked to the car in the rain. It felt great. Had it not been so late at night I would have liked to go on a walk in the rain.

Lizzle's classy bar attire

Lizzle’s classy bar attire

Once I got home I made myself a quick dinner and went to bed. Briefly I thought I ought to take one of the old meds to put me out. I couldn’t keep doing that. I went back to my melatonin instead and went to bed. To my surprise I slept rather well (though I confess the smell of smoke disgusted me). Maybe it’s the holidays that set me back. Maybe it’s the realization that the year is nearly out and I’m coming down very hard on myself for things I fell short on (or I perceive it as such). Maybe it’s the things that I want(ed) really badly which I don’t have that brought me down. I don’t know for sure. I woke up early and made myself a healthy breakfast as my coffee brewed. Once that was done, I started my workout (trust me, nothing in me wanted to do so). The remaining cigarettes are in the trash. It was a bad idea and it’s nothing more than a crutch to try and a) Keep me busy and/or b) make me feel better. It does neither.

I’m uncertain what the rest of the day will be like for me. Probably rather uneventful. I’ve found myself growing increasingly distant from the few people I’m still around. I don’t feel particularly social, so I don’t anticipate it’s going to change. In fact, I received some news recently that put me in a worse frame of mind. I can’t quite share it yet, but I will shortly. The way some people view the world sometimes just blows my mind. Just because I keep myself calm doesn’t mean that there’s not a part of me that wants to shake people and scream at the top of my lungs. Or maybe a choke until you see little bursts of light.

Fine. I recognize that I’m going about this the wrong way. I shouldn’t be dependent on an external stimulus in order to feel better. I know that, but it’s difficult. I just am, and in order to feel sad, something has to happen to cause it. The same with feeling happy. It seems pretty natural to me. I’ll try to remain optimistic and hopeful. Who knows? Maybe some good shit will finally happen. Maybe things/people will surprise me. Maybe.

I just briefly stumbled, but I’m back to forcing myself onto the right track. Sooner or later that has to become second nature (the right track, not the stumble).

I do have to say, though, that life sure seems to be more difficult when you’re nice and when you play by the rules. I don’t recall my life being so complicated when I was a ruthless little bastard. It’s funny how that works out. I mean, I wouldn’t go back to beingĀ  the way I was, but that version of me sure had less stress. And a lot more sex.

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Comments
  1. don says:

    you seem to have an expectation that life will be easy and you shoul be happy every day. let go of that: don’t take too seriously the expectation nor the realization that it ain’t gonna happen every day. it will happen some days, just not every day. just figure out what you need to do to attain whatever short term goals you might have that take you toward (or at least don’t get in the way of) your longer term goals, and keep on making progress. some days you’ll feel like you did okay, others you won’t, but so what. you are young and you still have tomorrow, and whatever else happened, you prolly learned something today. quit complaining, lower your expectations if necessary, and try again tomorrow; it’s coming, whether you feel good about it or not, so you might as well look forward to it! life ain’t all fun, it ain’t all pain, and it’s better than the alternative regardless! god damn, live until you die, lizzle!

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