December 30 2013

Posted: December 30, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, here it is.

The last, maybe two weeks have been increasingly shitty. Granted, a lot of it has to do with my own perception and failure to keep my thoughts/emotions in check. I don’t know. I guess you fool yourself into thinking it’ll get better even as you repeat behaviors. I seem to have developed a bit of a defeatist attitude  as of late. I faltered in the workouts, smoked and healthy eating went out the window. Hell, I was gifted a box of donuts and I ate every single one of those. It’s going to take a while to make up for that. Thing is that I have some upcoming items where I can’t afford to slip like that.

I sat outside, cigarette in one hand and coffee in the other wondering what, if anything, would be better today. What would happen today. I finished my smoke, but stayed seated outside staring blankly. Nothing. Nothing was likely to “happen”. I understood that the last few weeks were me failing to maintain the discipline I had worked so hard for. One thing was to sit outside to relax and hydrate after a run, but another was to light up a cigarette and expect something to just happen.

Even as I sit here this very moment I feel the urge to do the same thing. To mope about things and wait for another day to pass and hope for something. Rinse and repeat. I can recognize symptoms of depression all too well. Not a chance this was going to happen. I removed myself from my front porch and sat at my desk. I put together a To Do list not only to keep me busy, but because there ARE things I need to be doing.

I’m working on a horoscope blog as I’m dripping with cynicism. I’ll post this one once that one is posted. Upon the conclusion of that, I’m logging off social media. I’m not sure if it helps or hinders for me to be on there. I suspect it hinders right now. Regardless of how I’m feeling, there are things to get done and I’ll need to force myself to go through it. Same with the workouts. I rarely wake up thinking “I can’t wait to go for a run”, but I force it anyway. These last few weeks I’ve wasted a significant amount of time feeling bad about things I can’t really control.

My phone is now on “do not disturb mode.” I may or may not answer phone calls. I may or may not answer texts (I’m far more likely to answer texts, lets be real). Once my posts are completed I’m going to hop in the shower. I didn’t realize it, but I guess it took a toll. I look ragged and run down. I’ll take the time to take care of that as well. I intend to follow that up with the pre-prepared healthy food I have and then I can start on my list of things to do. Weather permitting, by late this afternoon I’ll be going on my run – my run is going to suck with all the bad food, booze and smokes I’ve put in my system as of late.

The shit I can’t control? Well, it’s either going to fall into place to my liking or it isn’t. As simple as that. I’ll take it as it comes and try to handle it as best as I can. It doesn’t escape me that the new year is around the corner and that it will leave me feeling a little bit of a mess. I’ll deal with it as it comes too. I’m just not going to deal with it smoking a cigarette and running uncontrollable scenarios in my head over and over again. It’s easy to take props for doing better when I feel better. These are the days where you have to earn it. The days that you don’t have a cell in your body that wants to leave your bed.

That’s OK, though. I’m up and about. I have my game plan for the day and will do it no matter what I feel like. Today will be better for it. And tomorrow too. And who knows? The uncontrollable shit? Some of those are simply bound to fall into place to my liking sooner or later. I’ll deal with that as best as possible too.

PS: And to those few people I have been chatting with via Facebook often as of late, shoot me a text instead. I don’t know if I’ll be on Facebook today or tomorrow. I guess it all depends on how I feel.

PPS: Sorry about the posts lately. They lack a ton of humor. I just haven’t felt like there’s a lot of laughs to be had on this end. I’ll get it together. In the event that I’m out for new year, well, Happy New Years.

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