Oh, relax. I have a few drafts that are funny.

Those aren’t completely ready, but I’ll have this more upbeat in no time. Regardless of that, as I was taking a break from mindless work (laundry, applying for jobs, making my ‘to do’ list for tomorrow as well as the week) I figured I would try to put some thoughts together.

First of all, no matter what I did I spent much of my day with an ice pack to my shins. I ran my route without stopping (I hadn’t done that in a long time), but my shins have been hurting before and after. In fact, they hurt practically the minute I start running. I remembered that when I started I had been icing it so I’m back to that.

I’m desperately trying to rebound. As I mentioned, I had not been taking good care of myself for some time now. It’s easy to say that leading up to the holidays, the holidays and shortly after the holidays did a number on me, but it doesn’t escape me that I could have tried harder to minimize that. As I sit here typing I think how poorly I ate/drank yesterday. I have a glass of wine next to me and a lit cigarette on the table by it.  I’m giving myself today for that nastiness. Tomorrow I’ll be back on the 100% healthy eating, non-smoking wagon. To not do so wouldn’t lead to a happy ending and I love happy endings (sorry. that’s all I had.)

I feel a bit stressed out over the usual crap, but I try to remind myself what I was told to do which is to do something that even in a small way facilitates the things that I want; or at least to fix the things I perceive need fixing. I’m applying to a ton of jobs today and the other day I forwarded the missing documentation for the job I’m REALLY hoping to get. There’s a certain nervousness now that I sent out the paperwork. I’d feel terrible if it didn’t go through, but the idea that I likely will freaks me out too.

I always kept thinking that after all the things I’ve gone through I needed a new start, but the idea and process now strikes me as a lonely and scary one. There’s absolutely no turning back, but I’d lie if I said I was feeling happy, excited, confident and level headed about it. I hope that it goes through and in time, I’ll look back at these insecurities and laugh at myself for it. That’s the plan, but the road from here to there is not one that I’m particularly looking forward to.

Three sips of wine and one cigarette later I realize part of the problem. There’s always “tomorrow.” I don’t account for the extra work I’ll have to put in due to the wine and smoke of today. I put out the smoke and toss the wine. Just like with everything else that I have struggled with, it doesn’t matter if I FEEL ready. I just simply need to be. If I’m not? Well, I need to force myself to get through it one way or another. I’ll do the same if/when this new job comes through (and also my next Product which I am waiting to hear back from). It seems fairly symbolic of my whirlwind as a whole that despite how I feel or what I want to do, I need to ignore it and do what I know is the correct/intelligent thing to do.

For a while now I’ve felt the polar opposite of calm. Hell, after doing well for so long I wound up feeling a ton of the old anxiety, depression, fears, sadness, etc. etc. After fighting it I’ve recently started doing some meditation again. I’m uncertain if that will help or not, but I figure it can’t hurt. I’m back indoors to apply for more jobs, ice down my shins and have a giant glass of water on the table next to me. I drink tons of water, but throughout the weight loss / workout period I have purposely increased that.

Screw the smokes and wine. I need to keep putting in work today for tomorrow. Continue taking care of my body to get it where I want it and to reach the physical fitness goals I need and want. I need to put in a million job applications and will do so today. Ideally a hot chick to keep me company would be added, but meeting people here has been a chore and a bore. It isn’t something that I need to put too much time into, but still. It’s like trying to find a tiny coin in a bunch of mud. I don’t even know that I’m ready for that either. I guess the entire post was dedicated to me not knowing, well, pretty much anything.

Welcome to my mind. All aboard. Next stop: nowhere?

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