Well, here it is again, again, again.

I went on my run today – similar to good sex, once it was done I felt great (as I recall and have been told. Sex is a foreign concept to me these days). Thing is that I struggled badly yet again. I lied to myself and pretend-wondered why that would be the case.

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I sat on my front porch, as usual, drinking a giant glass of water (I despise just how much I sweat when I do absolutely anything physical. Is there a smarter person that can tell me why??) and puffing away at a cigarette (See? I need someone smarter). I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. The reality is that my time jogging has been failing miserably as I have successfully increased the amount of cigarettes I puff away at. Not being one to start something I can’t finish, I lit another one. I didn’t even want it – I just didn’t want to reach the next step.

Once again, and hopefully for the final time, I grabbed the rest of the cigarettes (there were – sniff – plenty) and tossed them in the trash (luckily tomorrow is trash day so I don’t have to test my resolve). As I sat there I remembered the cheesy line of “if you take care of your body, it takes care of you”. Lately I’ve been half assing the way I treat my body (more on the half assing later). I despise these sayings, but The Oracle used to say that you can’t keep one foot on the dock and one foot on the boat for very long. I tried for as long as I could, I guess and before I land flat on my ass death, it’s time to try to call it quits again.

For the period of time that I had stopped smoking I felt a difference in my breathing as well as my performance (running, of course). I need to get that back. I needed water and oxygen and I’ve been drinking water and playing puff-puff-pass to myself with cigarettes. Enough.

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Speaking of half assing things, I posted this photograph on my Instagram as a motivational tool…as a “before” picture. Don’t get me wrong. I can see the weight I’ve lost. I get (thank you) many compliments: “looking good” “looking hot” looking sexy” “you’ve lost a lot of weight” “you’re not a fat ass” and “you’ve lost the gut” regularly, but all I can see are the giant blubbery flaws. That’s neither here nor there.

The other day I was speaking with a friend of mine who complimented me on my legs. I was flattered momentarily, but then I realized that I had no idea what, to a woman, are sexy legs on a man. I know what is typically considered sexy legs on a woman (I love drumsticks), but I had no clue what that was supposed to be on a man. If a girl was jogging all the time through the neighborhood, I’d notice (I noticed one ❤ ). I would immediately think to myself that she had nice ___insert body part(s)__. I wondered if the same happened to guys. I wondered if I ran by and they thought “this old, creaky guy has some weird chicken legs” or something.

Then it got worse. I took a look at the photo again and I concluded that I have no ass. Now, in all fairness I don’t have a clue what a “nice ass” on  man is supposed to be, but I’ll take a gamble and say “not like that”. Most men and women can see a woman and quickly determine how great an ass is on the famous Sizzling Lizzle Scale. This was quite a revelation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m slightly disturbed by this, but not let’s-do-butt-exercises-disturbed. I just wanted everyone to know that as I try to terraform the planet, I found that the other side is flat!

I really need to get in shape because with my personality and no ass, I need to look good! 🙂

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Comments
  1. […] this month I mentioned my frustration with myself (one of them at least). I had gained a couple of pounds and had been struggling a bit. […]

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