It’s funny how things can change.

As I mentioned, I have lost a little over 50 lbs. throughout my process of trying to regain fitness. It’s interesting to me how the process works. Much to the chagrin of some people, I occasionally will post photos on Facebook showing what my body looks like at that time. I partially do it because it’s funny some people object to it, but I also do it because I feel so terribly self conscious that it forces me to never slack.

One of the things that I picked up on rather quickly is that it’s difficult to tell the difference between honest compliments and those given out of politeness with the attempt of keeping you motivated. The degree of self consciousness makes me doubt the honesty of every compliment. I realized that no matter what people see in a photo, what I see is flaws and fat. It worries me sometimes, but as long as I’m trying to maintain my fitness in a healthy manner I’m not too concerned.

I have a couple of friends whom I send a photo of my progress to get their thoughts. Sometimes I tweak my workout a bit to not stay in the same place so I try to figure it out as I go. The response I always get it very positive but seems a bit over the top. I often wonder if the comments are based on where I was to where I am rather than that the current physical condition I have is good (since I don’t quite see myself that way).

What I have noticed, though, is that people treat you much better when you’re in good shape. It makes me roll my eyes a bit but it’s nice to be on that end. I’m not saying that I’m going to be on TV or a billboard, but the reality is that it’s not hard for me to tell that the quantity and quality of attention I’ve been getting is significantly different now than it was this time two years ago or heck, even one year. For example, the first photo  is, I believe, from a late 2012 vacation and the second is from April 2014 – that’s not the same guy. Not on the inside or the outside.

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Wherever u are u lookin young n happy Monsieur xx”commented a friend on Facebook. Feeling good comes out in your body n skin. I see it. Happy is what makes u look young, keep smiling x she followed up once more. Once more I was uncertain about things because whatever she sees, I can’t see. I realized that whatever EVERYONE see, I have an inability to see. Be it insecurity, the nature of progressive change or stubbornness – or all. I can’t see it, an for now I rely on feedback like that to steer me into that direction. I hope to see it at some point in time, but for now  that’s what I will use as a gauge.

(more to the point for comparison)

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You see, my friend was partially correct. I know that I don’t look the way I used to. Hell, I’m wearing size Medium clothes. I hadn’t done that since early 2000, I think. I’m wearing pants that hung in my closet for a couple of years, unused. I’m constantly poking holes in my belt (because I refuse to buy a new one for now) to force it to fit well. I have now reached a point where I enjoy the exercise. I had my first experience running on a treadmill recently because the snow prevented me from running outdoors. I wasn’t prepared for the heat but I did 5 miles in an hour.

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You know what doesn’t escape me when I compare pics? My arms are starting to look nice. I once dated someone while I was overweight who had stated that she didn’t care about my weight, but was really digging nice arms. Turns out I can do both if I put my Big Boy Pants on and put in the work. I have now reached a stage where I need to spend money on new clothes because the old one simply doesn’t fit. I love having that problem.

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Guess what? I see the picture of me in the mirror above and I do see the deficient areas, but I can say that it’s not ALL I see. I would have to be completely blind to not look at it and feel a sneaky little feeling of satisfaction that I’m managing to turn my body into what I want. Again, I make no mistake. I’m not in the greatest shape, nor am I built like a wall of bricks, but I have shirts that fit properly that have become snug around the bicep area. That’s right. Chubby little me is having that problem. That’s such a strange thing that for a while I just figured my shirts were shrinking (I’m great at denial because that’s the same thing I convinced myself of when I originally started gaining weight). I then see the other photo of me and sure, I’m not sporting a smile since I hate smiling for photos, but I can see a different guy. This process didn’t become one of me just losing weight. This was, and always has been, about becoming better.

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I can say that I feel very well almost at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I still hold grudges against some select people, but by and large I have learned to let things go. For things to not bother me. I have a different appreciation for things. By that I mean, not only recognizing what is important to me, but realizing how unimportant other things are. Not everybody is going to like me (just most of them because I rock), but that’s fine. I’m living my life as someone honest, positive and searching for a new adventure and keeping an open mind in the process. How can I go wrong? Of course this never takes away from all the bad things I’ve gone through, but I no longer let myself get in my own way.

I’m physically better than I’ve been in years, I’m happier than I’ve been for as far as I can remember and I still don’t take myself too seriously because there’s always room for some silly behavior.

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This is still a process and there’s tons to learn and experience. Hell, I still have to learn to completely let go of my past since on occasion it creeps up on me and threatens to make me sad and/or angry, but I manage to keep it at bay rather than allowing things to consume me. I now exercise at least 4 times a week, eat healthy (except on weekends) and look forward to everything. I’ve even had so much attention in my new area that sooner or later I’m going out on a date (which terrifies me right down to my dark little soul) and that’s fine too. The main focus? Me. The pursuit of happiness. Self improvement. Doing the right thing. Anyone who threatens that level of stability or even remotely potentially derails what I’m trying to do simply gets removed. I keep it simple.

“It must be fun to be you” said a girl recently. “What do you mean?” I asked with amused confusion. “You’re so creative and witty. I wonder what it’s like to be in your mind for a day.” “Never a dull moment.” I replied with a smile as I walked away. You have no idea. Good enough for me.

 

 

 

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Comments
  1. Johnny says:

    5 miles in an hour!? That’s disgusting sir, go put that fat back on. Lol seriously you’re doing great man. Pretty soon you’re going to look like that punk kid I knew in high school. I’ll give you a tip that I sometimes use every now and then…get a calendar and mark certain days spaced far apart (2-3 weeks). Only on those days can you look at yourself in the mirror (shirtless). It’s difficult, especially after an intense pump when you feel like your arms are the size of a small hulks, but you’ll notice bigger gains after 3 weeks of not looking.

    Whatever you’re doing, it’s working!

    • sirtilc42 says:

      Thanks! Yeah I could only run an hour since the fitness place only allows you to do an hour at a time. It was just as well since running on a treadmill blows. I’m avoiding weighing myself regularly or doing the mirror checks, though the new apartment has mirrors everywhere. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I don’t intend to stop.

  2. infinitymadness2 says:

    You look amazing (and I mean this in all sincerity, of the little I know of you, from the first photos I’ve seen of you, the older one you just posted and the recent ones). Try to take compliments for what they are – a few nice words, meant to lift you, make you smile, encourage you and the such. Personally, when I see someone making self improvements, especially physical one, which require an immense amount of effort and will to accomplish, I always compliment them. It is well deserved – much more than someone posting a nice picture of themselves.

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