I saw this title on my Facebook feed and knew, without reading it, that it was going to be garbage.

At best, this is a pathetic attempt at humor-turned piece of trash. At worst it is an ignorant piece of trash with generalizations. It originated from what seems to be a garbage receptacle of similar trash at guyism.com The knowledge (my thoughts) are in red, as usual. Let’s start the literary garbage:

Raced against himself going up steps
How the motherfuck do you race yourself going up steps? No. I can’t say that I have ever done this nor can I say I have considered it.

Masturbated to every woman he’s ever known
Of course, because men are uncontrolled animals drooling every minute of every day at the idea of nailing every living person whose path they crossed. This isn’t only stupid, but it’s not even possible. Do you know how many people I know? I only have one penis.

wished for super powers for perverted reasons
You know what? I’ve wished for super powers, but for greedy purposes – not perverted ones. Again, whoever wrote this is an idiot.

convinced himself he had cancer
Not only is this not true, it’s not even remotely funny. I try to laugh about things often, but some things you can’t turn funny no matter how you try.

conducted an extensive web search for an ex
You know what? I’ve had two relationshits in the last 10+ years and I can tell you that I’ve done no web search for either one of the two females. Not once. I also do not intend to.

blew his nose into his hands while showering… right after he pissed in the shower
Yeah. When guys aren’t madly jerking off we’re Al Bundy. The thought of blowing my nose into my hands is grotesque. This means that the writer either assumes this is true (because it’s a she) or is one disgusting guy whittling his little penis away through masturbation and playing with snot in the shower. Good one, champ.

watches more cartoons than a grown man should
Just how many cartoons should a grown man watch? Just curious because I occasionally watch some. DC Comics has some very dark ones that go straight to Blu Ray. Last I heard kids couldn’t afford those nor is the rating for kids. Just sayin’.

flushed while peeing to “race the toilet”
What? This is so asinine that I nearly stopped reading, but I realized how much help and clarification this garbage needs. No, there’s no racing the toilet.

picked his nose – ate the booger
You nasty motherfucker. Not one time have I ever done that so to suggest all guys do this is laughable and disgusting. You’re gross and should be kicked in the face.

cried over sports
I’m the biggest boxing fan I know. I am also a fan of two NFL teams and one NCAA football team. Not once has I ever cried over sports. Not. Once. If the writer is a girl – you’re an idiot. If the writer is a guy – you need a life and are what scientists call a “pussy”.

measured his penis and added inches because he didn’t go all the way to the “base”
You know who adds inches to a measurement? People who need to.

shaved his pubes because of those measurements
You know who shaves his pubes because of it? People who need to. Go on with your little self.

rereads every facebook comment a hundred times before hitting enter so he doesn’t sound stupid
OK, I don’t know about you, but I reread them because the last thing I want to do is try to be funny and end up screwing it up. Sounding stupid, however, is my forte. I do that by accident as often as I do it on purpose.

thought of snapping a pic of an amazing dump
You gross motherfucker. What is an “amazing” dump? And no, I have never had the thought of taking a photo of that. The level of stupid is staggering.

took the pic
Again – wrong. You’re disgusting and stupid.

thought about sending it to people
See above.

plans emergency escape routes in his mind in every public situation
What? No. It never enters my mind and I lean towards OCD and anxiety. I thought about an escape from reading this shit.

scratched his balls and smelled his fingers
If you do this, you need a shower and are fucking disgusting.

scratched his butt and smelled his fingers
If you do this, you need a shower and are fucking disgusting.

used his fingers on a girl and scratched his nose to do a “quick check”

checked other people’s search history
You know, I’m curious about it, but I never have. Never will. What’s the purpose?

experimented with pills to stay hard
Not once in my life have I done this. You know who did? The people who need it. I mean, I have a few friends who did it because they thought it could somehow enhance, but I never did which makes this wrong.

browses only in incognito mode
I really don’t. Fuck, if you ask me what I do or where I go: I’ll tell you. I don’t have to hide shit. At worst I’ll say it’s none of your business.

left mail in the box until “something good comes”
No. If I go to the mailbox I grab the things. Why bother to go there if you’ll leave items? I just may as well not go at all. I don’t waste the time or energy.

has a computer folder filled with vacation photos women have posted on Facebook
LMFAO the writer is a loser. You know what? I have some incredibly attractive friends on Facebook. I’m talking about next level attractive. I love when they post pictures because I check those few people out with eyes full of lust. What I don’t do is save the photo like some stalker, to admire at my leisure. It’s not that serious.

Keeps any naked photo he’s ever been sent even though he swears he deleted them
I have kept that vast majority of them, sure. I have never told someone I deleted them if I hadn’t. You know how I keep 90% of my life simple? By telling the truth. This isn’t cute or funny – it’s a violation of trust. Lizzle keeps it real.

Doesn’t care about the “every other urinal” thing – he just pisses wherever is open
Of course! Look, I don’t care about that stupid other urinal thing. I will pee anywhere and around anyone. When you gotta go you gotta go!

faked an orgasm
LMFAO! This is true. I mean, some people have a good beducation and you have a great time. Other times the person is terrible and there’s only one polite way of putting an end to the torture. I have only done this a couple of times and that was when I was a kid. I would never do that now (you must earn your props), but just as a sidebar: the people I felt I had to do this with? They’re in my Facebook. (You don’t know who you are, but you read my blog. I hope your skills have improved)

masturbated before going out “just in case”
Again: You know who does this? People that have to. No, I never have. This is some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever read.

thinks about death, gets that scary feeling, wants to cry
No. You know what’s scary about death? The PROCESS of it. The idea of dying isn’t too bad. I mean, I don’t care if you turn into energy or if you just simply cease to exist or if there’s a heaven with winged pamper-wearing-children. Death doesn’t sound that bad. It’s going from living to dying that fucks me up.

has no idea how many women he’s slept with
Once I had someone ask me so I created a PowerPoint complete with pictures, categories and ratings of each – though no transitions (many of you on my Facebook are on it)

* As a side note: Want my type of brilliant humor?  The coolest words I have uttered in a long time: “Come again” to a girl I walked out from my apartment after hooking up. Say this with a straight face and watch her as she tries to figure out if you’ve said this on purpose or not. Ladies, if it’s me, the answer is always “yes”. I say almost everything on purpose. I’m kind of clever even when it’s this type of barely-an-adult humor. *


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