I despise when I read these titles on Facebook and people show amusement.

The truth is that if it were the reverse, an ignorant article of men making the same stupid claim, people would be offended. It never stops surprising me when people use double standards. This trash comes from thoughtcatalog.com by some fool named Mena Coticelli. As usual, I’m in red.

 

6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get

After years of meticulous field research, I have finally discovered that men will literally never get women. And I just don’t understand why. Okay, we’re “confusing.” But there’s millions of articles men can read, they’ve been told folklore, most likely have female family members, they’ve seen television.. And yet no matter how many times we bang it into their fucking head, they will NEVER GET US.We get them (Of course you do)! Sure we don’t understand WHY they do half the things they do, but we accept it, understand it, and try to work with it. However, this empathetic approach to their sensitivities is all too often not reciprocated. A man can be a man in every aspect of life, but when it comes to a woman he turns into a pre pubescent boy (Oh, fuck you and your little superiority complex) who just doesn’t make the effort to understand and brushes off her feelings as “She’s just being a girl. (Yep. In our secret Man Meetings every fucking one of us agrees to do this. Maybe you’re dating idiots?)

Well no, we’re not. We are emotionally intelligent and complex creatures, and you and your emotionally disabled, one track mind is resulting in failed communication (You’re right. It’s out mental handicap that prevents us from understanding how intelligent and complex you are, so why be upset?). So men, for the thousandth time, let me explain to you some things about women that you will literally never get. Pay attention.

Note: This article excludes Channing Tatum. (Of course it does. Throw in a little bit of shallow to this putrid mix of ignorance and double standards. You’re clearly bitter from a relationship)

1. Drinks at the club

Hello dancing stranger. Oh, you offered to buy me a drink? Buy me two drinks. Buy me three drinks. Buy me and my friends bottles at your VIP table all night. Im very grateful for this drink, sir, but lets be clear. Buying me alcohol will not ensure you anything, buddy. So don’t go into shock mode and throw a temper tantrum when I go back to MY room with MY friends. Its been this way since the beginning of time! When will you learn. Unless you are Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m not coming with you. But thanks for the tequila! I just saved 15 percent or more by being a girl. (Women such as yourself will go out with the purpose of leeching drinks off ignorant men. They have it coming for being that stupid but that still makes you an asshole)

2. When we say we need space

It means fight for us, fucker (Hey, asshole, why don’t you just do what adults do and just say what you feel? That’s called communication and leaves no room for misinterpretation. Men aren’t fucking psychics and mind readers so if you’re vague or misleading, well, nobody will fucking understand what you want). Time never fixes a problem, it only delays a resolution or stops any resolution at all. Stop being such a coward, grow a pair of balls, and fight for us. It makes us feel wanted, needed, loved, important, irreplaceable. If you don’t, you didn’t deserve us anyway (It sounds to me like nobody deserves you. You seem like a huge pain in the ass). Channing Tatum would never treat me this way. And even though we say you can’t buy our love, it’s a huge perk. Not saying dinners, movies, or shows will fix EVERYTHING, but we will appreciate the effort.
Bonus point: Bring us on a surprise vacation. Bitches love surprise vacations. (Bitches don’t usually get taken to surprise vacations. They go to cheap motels or the back of a car behind a Home Depot)

3. We don’t over-think

We analyze. It is what it is. We will remember everything you’ve ever said (Will you, now? I bet you don’t remember what you had to eat last week), and we will break down every word. And you might call us crazy, but most of the time, our “overthinking” turns out to be correct (You sound like a race of Sherlock Holmes’. Guess what? The vast majority of people who think they’re the exception don’t understand that by definition and probability – they’re the rule. You’re actually far more likely to be wrong but simply think you are correct all this time), further prompting us to continue to overthink (I thought you didn’t do that?), trust our intuition, and not forget anything. And even if u think you found a “cool” girl (rolling eyes) who doesn’t do this, she does. Stop pretending to be cool, girl. (Generalizations are awesome.)

4. We already know the truth

Most of the time when we ask you something, we already know (Most times you only think you do). So tell the fucking truth. The whole truth. (The bigger deal here is that you don’t realize that if you have to ask someone for the truth – by implication they’re liars. Do you see the problem?) We’d rather be hit with it all at once, rather then discover pieces over time (How would you discover pieces down the road if you already knew in the first place?). Or else now we REALLY are convinced that we are dating a lying sociopath who will continuously disregard our feelings and disrespect us. Lying about even the smallest things will change the way we look at you very quickly (As it should. And it works both ways. Let’s just say that I have run into people on both sides who aren’t shining examples).

5. When we say we’re fine, we’re NOT

This stereotype of a woman saying she’s fine when she’s not should basically be a law at this point. It is tried and true and happens all the time, and yet men STILL DONT GET IT. (Of course not! I mean, saying the opposite of what you mean would be crazy. Imagine the world where you say you’re hot in order for me to bring you a blanket? Or maybe you tell me you’re hungry when you’re thirsty? Or I punch you in the face when you ask for a kiss? This making sense?) Maybe women say we are fine when we’re not because subconsciously we don’t want to come across as too bitchy or aggressive, or scare you off (Grow up and don’t be so self conscious. You shouldn’t live life walking on egg shells around someone). Sometimes it’s because we think the problem is so FUCKING obvious that we are literally dumbfounded by how you can’t see it (I bet you many people in the insane asylum are stunned that everyone else doesn’t see what they see…or hear what they hear. Question your sanity and insecurities). Mostly we just want you to be our magical prince charming and fix it yourselves without us having to give u step-by-step directions every time. Do we have to spell EVERYTHING out for you (No, but it seems you expect men to be fucking mind readers, Jedi and Bob Vila)?

Either way, it happens. I’m sorry. So when we say we’re fine but you know we’re not, keep asking. Not once or twice, not even asking seven or eight times will get us to crack. I’m talking like 20 to 25 times over a span of a two to four hour period. And don’t just say “You okay?” “You okay?” “What’s wrong?” “You okay?” No. Say “baby I know something is really bothering you right now. I love you and I will never judge you for your feelings. Please tell me what’s going on so we can work on this together.” Ugh. That’s all you have to say. Damn it.

(Really? An interrogation to get you to tell the truth – that you want us to know, but don’t want to say – after you were complaining about keeping it honest? You know what? How about I fucking waterboard you and get you to tell the truth really quickly rather than begging and groveling for information that you should provide for your own sake in the first place??)

Which brings me to my next point…

6. Fantasies

Just like Men have their fantasies, women have ours – refer to The Vow, The Notebook, Titanic, The Great Gatsby, Magic Mike… We want ROMANCE. (I’m not referencing shit because none of those movies seemed interesting to me at all.) Call it stupid, call it unrealistic, call it whatever u want- I want my prince charming (So go find the motherfucker!! Don’t try to mold one or create one – go fucking find one. Don’t find a regular ass guy and then complain that he’s not something he wasn’t in the first place). We have all wanted him since we were little girls. We don’t call the things you want stupid (No, just the entire mankind, hag), so don’t be so rude and piggish as to ridicule us. And if you want your fantasies fulfilled, then why don’t you man up and fulfill ours. (You don’t sound like you can fulfill any dreams for any man. I feel bad for the ones who try)

If you are a male reading this article, please take note. Although it is speckled with humor (It really isn’t. It is speckled with feeble attempts at humor that fall so absurdly short that it was hard to read completely), I have practically gifted you with a rule book of how to keep a girl happy. Do not disregard it. And yet, I’m sure you will completely. Because you’re stupid. And you’re not Channing Tatum in The Vow and you never will be and my therapist says I need to accept that. (You’re insane, unfunny, delusional and need to buy a few dozen cats)

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Comments
  1. Mena Coticelli says:

    lmao hi this is Mena. you’re a fucking moron, but I’m so sorry that something I wrote to entertain pissed you off so much 😉 ^^^^^^^^^^^^ P.S-> I meant all of it ❤ xo

    • sirtilc42 says:

      Hello, Mena! I’m far from a fucking moron. I confess I’m amused that I clearly got under your skin by pointing out that you’re amazingly ignorant. I’m certain you meant all of it – idiots generally do. Enjoy your evening.

  2. Johnny says:

    I think there should be a live debate between you and her. She’s still thinking there is some fairy tale romance out there for her by referencing movies; which just highlights the fact that she’s still young, inexperienced, and recently bitter over a relationship. Guys have a fairy tale romance as well (and most of them include Scarlett Johansson in her black widow outfit), we have just accepted the fact that the majority of humans won’t find it.

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