Funny. This auto corrected to “wife words.” Scary

Found this and thought it was funny. Of course I had to give my thoughts as I read.

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.
(I don’t know. Maybe it’s my age. It’s probably the best way for me. Then again, I don’t even swim well)

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.
(Hell, never cancel anything via text message. There are some things you usually can’t walk away from without reeking of douchebaggery. This will usually cement Douchey Status)

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
(Absolutely not. Trust me when I tell you there are things in life that I don’t have to try to know that I do not and would not like them)

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.
(I can dig it. Don’t be cheap. Give him a little more)

5. Always use “we” when referring to your home team or your Government.
(No. I don’t play for the Miami Dolphins nor do they employ me. THEY play the games. I just watch. Don’t do this. Ever.)

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
(This goes without saying, but still. “Never rat on your friends & always keep your mouth shut)

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of horse.
(I don’t even recall how to play this. Anyone want to take me out? I assure you that I suck at basketball. You may as well be playing against a newborn. Promise)

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
(I think that most of the time this applies. There are tons of things I could do that I know I shouldn’t. Stay out of trouble, kids!)

9. Don’t dumb it down.
(Don’t ever dumb it up. You become an ignorance enabler if you do and, as such, are now part of the problem)

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.
(Yep. And if you say you had noticed it but didn’t say anything, nobody will ever believe you. Stay sharp and say something. They’ll appreciate it. Unless it’s me. If it’s me, just leave me alone)

haircut

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.
(Well, if you’re staying just one night I don’t know that you have much to unpack anyway, but either way, don’t be lazy. Unpack, fuckers)

12. Never park in front of a bar.
(Never. I read this and countless doomsday scenarios popped into my head – like those Facebook alarmists posting fake warnings – except you never know with drunks)

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.
(Always be prepared for any contingency)

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car and first boy/girlfriend.
(Agreed. Some things, even things you don’t currently appreciate, become important later. Keep it. I have a box of pictures, letters and notes from people who were important. I still appreciate it)

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.
(What heroes?)

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.
(100%! Stop with that crap. Don’t pay for a tanning beg or orange spray. Go out)

orange3_fn-1

17. Never lie to your doctor.
(Ever. EVER. That just doesn’t end well. Unless it’s just omitting the fact that they’re hot. They don’t like that)

18. All guns are loaded.
(Yep. Particularly mine.)

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.
(Agreed. And you forfeit your life if you touch it. Don’t poke someone with sunburn)

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.
(I don’t know how I feel about this. I have received god awful clothing in the past. Once, while I was overweight I received a Small shirt from my then wife’s parents. I wonder if those fuckers were trying to tell me something? It sucked too since it was a nice shirt. Dicks.)

21. Take a vacation from your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.
(For how long? My phone is practically grafted to my hand. I struggle when I’m out on a date to not check it when I hear a message arrive)

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.
(EVER! Hey, I’ve been to some restaurants that have incredible bread – but I didn’t not leave my house to eat bread. Speaking of which, is it gluten free? Just kidding. Try the bread and find yourself a steak. Animals taste really well)

23. A handshake beats an autograph.
(What the motherfuck are you going to do with someone’s name on a piece of paper? And wash your hands)

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.
(Please don’t linger. Keep it moving. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Unless you’re in revolving door, then you can linger all you want and get the best of both worlds)

DOG BLOCKING DOOR

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.
(Um… Well, hell if you’re going to do something do it all out. I mean, drag is not my thing – and I will knock it without trying it – but if it’s yours, don’t half ass it. A little butt humor. See what I did there?)

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
(If you want to discover insecurities you didn’t know you had, sit for a caricature. If you want to know what makes you unique, carefully observe how people interact with you. The details tell you everything you need to know. Don’t ask your girlfriend, she will lie to you.)

27. Never get your hair cut on the day of a special event.
(True. Get your hair cut a few days before. That recently shorn look is a bit raggedy.)

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires and sheets.
(Good one! Also be respectful or your ass too. Don’t get cheap toilet paper.)

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.
(Ever. Even the thought brings me down.)

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.
(Word. You wouldn’t talk to a new relationship all about your old one would you? You would? Idiot)

31. Eat lunch with the new kids.
(Stay away from kids)

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.
(When traveling? The world is crazy! You need to keep your wits about you when you’re going anywhere. Keep your hood sense on high. Or take me with you. I’m practically fearless and will totally take a bullet for you!)

33. It’s never too late for an apology.
(I was going to disagree, but I found I can’t. It’s never too late for an apology. It may be too late for it to be accepted, but you did your part by apologizing. However: Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it and don’t apologize and do the same shit again)

34. Don’t pose with booze.
(Unless is high-end stuff otherwise I’m unimpressed.)

35. If you have the right of way, take it.
(That’s kind of the point)

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.
(HA!! I did, actually. I get to do whatever I want. Your rules and constraints do not apply  to me.)

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
(Ugh… Sorry. I had some memories and I nearly puked. Yep, you are now part of their herd as they are now part of yours)

38. Never push someone off a dock.
(Don’t push anyone off of anything. It’s not cute and, chances are, they don’t think it’s very funny. If it’s me, I will kick you in the ‘nads when you’re not looking because I won’t even let you expect it when it’s coming)

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
(Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant even if you think you’re sure. Heck, if you see her in the act of giving birth, still be skeptical. Related: Never ask a man if he’s pregnant either)

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.
(You will be that for someone else. Fade into obscurity of give someone something good to talk about and be proud)

41. Don’t make a scene.
(Ever. Handle your business low key. Don’t act like a farm animal. Unless it’s one of those mini pigs. Those are cute)

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.
(I agree. Most times people don’t really give a shit after the first minute. You’re probably not as interesting as you think – neither am I!)

43. Know when to ignore the camera.
(Never ignore the camera.)

44. Never gloat.
(Only gloat if you can walk the walk. If not, keep your mouth shut)

45. Invest in good luggage.
(Yep. You’ll only have to do it once for a long time. Mine has a bright green smiley face because I’m gangster)

46. Make time for your mum on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.
(Mum? Who speaks like that? Make time for your mom all the time. After all, she’s kind of your mom. Dicks.)

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.
(I don’t know. I hate having to open presents in front of people anyway. Call me weird. No, don’t.)

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.
(Nobody wants to see you limp. See what I did there?)

49. Give credit. Take blame.
(And never do one without the other)

50. Suck it up every now and again.
(As much as possible. Life is tough sometimes and if you don’t suck it up you will fold.)

51. Never be the last one in the pool.
(Why not? Other than swimming in 37 gallons of pee)

52. Don’t stare.
(Staring is only acceptable if you have a windowless van and Chloroform)

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.
(Address everyone professionally. You never know who is an idiot – odds are there are many as they are taking over)

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.
(Always stands up to bullies. You may not only have to do it once, but all you have to do is become more trouble than it’s worth)

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.
(Make it quick, make it concise and keep on moving otherwise you’re just talking a lot of boring nonsense, in which case, write a blog)

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.
(Every time. You can’t take credit for the good and get bitchtified when you’re wrong. It happens. Accept it, make corrections and move on)

57. If you offer to help, don’t quit until the job is done.
(Don’t fake offer to help. I have tons of friends like that. If you offer, mean it. If you mean it, do it)

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.
(Look people in the eye when you interact with them. Not only is it proper, but you can usually detect tells and spot a liar. OK, my cynicism took over and for that I apologize)

59. Thank the bus driver.
(Say thank you, please and excuse me to everyone. Bring back manners, please!)

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.
(Ever. That’s just rude and unacceptable. Unless it’s one of you because I love you people, but you should do as I say and not as I do)

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
(It’s hard, but you should endeavor to do so. You’ll make mistakes. It’s expected. It’s what happens next that matters.)

62. Know at least one good joke.
(No. Don’t. Don’t tell jokes and certainly not to me. I hate fake laughing)

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.
(Any team that is not your team deserves to be booed until your lungs collapse. Then seek medical attention and return to do it all over again. I boo the Jets all the time. I wish I had more lungs)

64. Know how to cook one good meal.
(One? What are you going to do with that? Don’t be lazy and learn how to cook.)

65. Learn to drive a stick shift.
(Absolutely. In an emergency you should be able to drive a vehicle)

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.
(Just be cool at all times with all people)

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.
(Hell, yes! You’re the best company you’ll ever have! Do it!)

68. Dance with your mother/father.
(I don’t really dance well. I wouldn’t subject people to that. At least I’m funny.)

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.
(Most things that make you lose your cool are so minor that they don’t merit the strength and effort involved. Life is complicated enough without unnecessary stress. Relax. And don’t do it at work. Ever. They pay you to not do shit like that)

70. Always thank the host.
(Yep. On that note, I’m essentially the host of this craptastic blog. Don’t forget to thank me.)

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
(Always ask, never pretend. It’s OK to not know or not understand. Nobody wants you to fake it. Hehe)

72. Know the size of your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s clothes.
(Agreed. It’s good to know to facilitate a gift and also because if you have a girlfriend, you do NOT want to purchase a larger size. Trust me. I’m pretty sure they would prefer it if you ripped their heart out with your bare hands like Kano from Mortal Kombat than buy them something in a size too large)

mk1kano_gif_480_480_0_64000_0_1_0

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.
(No. Rock those fuckers out!)

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
(People love a good listener. Plus, you can learn a lot by observing and listening)

75. Keep your word.
(As much as possible. Few people suck more than those you can’t rely on because they don’t keep their word)

76. At school, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.
(Do whatever makes you happy)

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.
(Don’t do it because “she carried you for nine months”. That was a decision that didn’t involve you. Do it because you have love and respect, though. Hell, do it for anyone you care about as well)

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.
(Be patient. They can make the process worse for you)

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.
(No. Always be the shutting-the-fuck-upper in a movie)

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.
(Humans like humans who shower. Don’t be grimy. And cut your nails)

81. You are what you do, not what you say.
(Words are only words. Look at what you do and you’ll see what you really meant)

82. Learn to change a tyre.
(What the fuck is a tyre? Are we in Mordor? It’s a tire and learn to change it)

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.
(Just be kind because you have no reason not to be. That and people are crazy – they will fuckin’ shank you)

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.
(I couldn’t agree more. That’ll be you, if you’re lucky)

85. Don’t litter.
(Ever)

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.
(You’ve never met my sister)

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.
(You lost me there. I will say this: You can always be the strongest, fastest and toughest that YOU can be. That’s pretty good too)

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.
(No. It’s rude. Unless it’s a booty call, but those are like after midnight)

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.
(I forgot how to play this so I don’t know what in the world has taken place)

90. Make the little things count.
(More often than not, the little things count much more than you’d think. They usually amount to the big things. Put some value into things. Everything leads you to the next momen)

91. Ladies, always wear a bra at work.
(Unless we work together.)

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.
(Worry more about not actually being slutty, though. Nobody likes a slut)

93. You’re never too old to need your mum.
(Nah.. you never are too old to need your mom. Or to be yelled at be her)

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.
(Wow.. no! Hey, speak your mind just don’t be whiny. You or the guy that is.)

95. Know the words to your national anthem.
(DAMN RIGHT. People died for that)

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.
(Or just don’t go. I’m a big fan of not going to shit)

97. Smile at strangers.
(I guess. Just not at me. It kind of creeps me out and makes me think you’re plotting against me)

98. Make goals.
(Always have goals: short term and long term)

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.
(I don’t know what that means)

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.
(And there’s no such thing as a fair fight. Truth)

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