I apologize in advance.

As many of you know, there are few, precious things I truly enjoy: a good red wine, smokey whiskey, a cold micro brew, women and making fun of myself for being an absolute idiot.

I have spent quite some time now trying to get physically fit and in doing so, have gotten back in touch with my love for running. I didn’t anticipate running very long distances so once I found myself jogging above 5 miles without keeling over in cardiac arrest I found new problems.

At first I didn’t understand why I would have discomfort on my nipples as I ran. I figured I somehow magically irritated them and didn’t pay attention. Since I specialize in providing Too Much Information to my Facebook friends, I commented on it and through comments/advice/laughter found that it’s common to have this happen at longer distances. In fact, if you’e not careful you can actually bleed from your nipples, which is the grossest form of pseudo lactation I’ve ever heard of.

I immediately had people close to me approach me, absolutely appalled asking why I would post such a thing. It’s simple really: it’s funny to me. Besides, without having done so I would have never gotten great advice. See, the advice was great, but my practice of it is what led me to being an idiot.

There was a general consensus among my runner friends (and some non-runners chimed in with advice which made me roll my eyes) that to avoid this an application of the product called Acquaphor would suffice. I purchased it quickly. Now, the product works, that I can’t argue. To this day, however, sitting in front of the mirror while massaging lubricant to my mipples (man-nipples) is something I can’t quite get accustomed to. It gets worse.

One of the things I did to follow advice was upgrade my running gear. Out went the basketball shoes, in came some sweet running shoes, out with the basketball shorts, in came running shorts, out went the 100% cotton tank and in came the wicking shirt (which of course, matched my shoes because I like to look as nice as possible as I sweat by the bucket). One of the things we didn’t discuss was that the Acquaphor doesn’t seem to go well with the fabric of the running shirt. In fact, it goes together very poorly – like Donald Stirling and secretly recorded phone calls.

See, I once wore my shirt and went on a run. I noticed that people were admiring me as I ran, so I was certain I was galloping majestically – I couldn’t look sharper if I had wings on my shoes. It was only when I got home and washed my shirt that I realized that the previous Acquaphor application had seeped through and stained my shirt – in perfect circles around each nipple.

I soaked the shirt more than a waterboarder. Nothing. Being notoriously cheap I decided to run with the shirt regardless, albeit self consciously. I still can’t get rid of the little saucers around the mipple. If you see me around town with my headlights – honk.



  1. Johnny says:

    Are you pregnant? Lactating stains Ha! That’s funny. I occasionally felt that burning and thought it was just chafing from wearing a shirt that was a little to big. It would constantly rub back and forth as I jogged. When I switched to a more fitted shirt it didn’t seem to happen anymore. Tell the truth…you just like rubbing oils into your nipples.

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