Feeling a little stressed lately.
On My Personal Life:
I’m not entirely certain what has me feeling stressed out lately, but it crept up on me once again after all this time. It hadn’t quite hit me like this since I was in Miami, I think. I wish I could put my finger on it, but I just couldn’t figure it out. It’s not too bad, though so it’s easily manageable.
I still feel like a visitor to Maryland and amusingly, I still find myself thinking I can go to one of my old bars in Miami until I remember I’m a bit of a drive from there. I wonder how long it takes to get acclimated to the new reality. I don’t anticipate this place feeling like home, but I wish I didn’t feel like an outsider. Don’t misunderstand, the people have been great to me. People around me are very nice and seem to genuinely like me (which is odd, but that’s another story) but I feel like I do not belong. Hopefully that passes soon.
I still haven’t found the courage to leave my house and mingle with a bunch of strangers on purpose via meetup.com, but I really hope that I am able to. If I could find that in me, it could really help me meet new friends and explore the city a lot more. I scour through the upcoming meetups, but I convince myself that I either don’t have the time or I don’t have the money for it even if it isn’t true. I always tell myself “next time” and I need to stop doing that. I just dread my awkwardness. If I could travel in time I would go back to this moment and kick myself in the ‘nads until I agreed to attend at least one meetup per month. I certainly could afford that and find time for it as well.
I mentioned in a previous post that I did a brief stop in Baltimore for the first time as well. I had my first experience in odd local food in “scrapple”. Not too bad. For some reason I get a lot of enjoyment in visiting a new place and trying local food and drink. I guess it’s my inner fatty. There must be 19,000 calories in one of those pieces of scrapple. I may as well have walked from Baltimore back to Silver Spring.
I did feel bad about a blog post the other day. I often monitor my stats to see how many visitors this little blog I gave Man Birth to has. I also see what are the posts that people have read. I noticed that one came up which I had written in November. November happens to be when I finally came to understand I needed to change a lot of things immediately. I documented each thing as I got it off my list, but I had forgotten the last post I put about eliminating all thoughts of an ex from my life. I re-read the blog post and had a hard time reading the entire thing. It was so laden with anger and stress that it hurt to get through. It felt like I was reading something someone else wrote – a far angrier, hurt, insecure and confused someone. Certainly not me. The reason I don’t have a link to that post here? I deactivated it. Despite the fact that it was what I was feeling at the moment, it actually made me feel pretty shitty to leave it there. Seems I’m growing up? Maybe there’s hope for me yet.
On My Work Life:
Work is work. That sums it up. I’m glad I’m working for the government after all this time, but it’s a bit of an emotionally exhausting job. Dealing with people who have suffered a disaster, and in some cases, death of a loved one, isn’t particularly easy. It kind of bums me out that it gets easier the more you do it. It almost feels as though it shouldn’t be that way because you lose empathy, but that’s my path temporarily. I’m still technically in training and have some new, upcoming training that I heard will last 3 friggin’ weeks. I don’t know if that’s accurate, but I nearly shed a tear. Being in a classroom setting for that long makes me wish I had a sugar momma or be a kept husband (volunteers?).
On My Romantic Life:
As usual, the part of my life that has very little to note is my romantic life. Although I spend a lot of my time with a cute female friend, there will not be a relationship coming out of it. I have been very well behaved but I wonder if there is such a thing as Gateway Sex since I’m trying to not go back to my wild past. I’m kidding about returning to my bad behavior. I’m so far removed from that that it’s amusing. My brother pointed out that the new coworkers only know the “nice” Lee and that was a weird realization. That’s all I am to them – this funny, nice guy. They never got to name me Damien like when I worked for that shitty Property Management company, Castle Group (kiss my ass, Rob, James & Milena!) because I had a slight bit of a temper. The employees and coworkers loved me anyway, though, I was incredibly effective.
Either way, I’m going through my day-to-day without putting much time into worrying about a relationship. I do wonder if/when that will happen though. I’m not getting any younger and someone needs to come around while everything works like it’s supposed to.
On My Fitness:
The last few weeks I have wavered a bit with my workouts. I have tried to keep my running to 4 miles and have struggled with running it nonstop. I have periodically struggled with smoking and that hasn’t helped facilitate the process. The good thing is that this weekend I have a 5K obstacle run (photos are upcoming – if I don’t die) and I have a 5K the following week with a work related Health & Wellness run. I know I can run a bit (I don’t know if I can do the 5K at this time), but I’m uncertain about an obstacle course. The truth is that I’m intimidated since I haven’t tested myself or my body in that for fear that old injuries will pop up. One way to find out, I guess. I’ll just try to have fun with it.
This is my chart for when I have my weights/abs day. I worked out pretty hard today to try and remove the stress I had. It worked mostly. I’m now typing as I rehydrate.
I work out with light weights (I think they’re 15 lbs). I did 100 curls, 100 presses, 200 shoulder rolls and 250 tricep exercises at reps of 50 a piece. Mind you I don’t know the real name, but that’s how I identify what they are. I also did 585 crunches at 65 reps a piece. I try to do this one day and run the 4 miles the next. The shit isn’t easy and I’m determined to quit smoking so I can maximize the results. Anyway, here’s what I look like these days. I am aiming to lose about 10 more pounds as the areas of fat that bother me are the lower abs and the pecs. I’ll get there and I won’t even hurt anyone in the process.
May vs January