Nothing to see. Move along.

That just about sums it up.

On my personal life:
Things are a little weird for me. Lately I’ve struggled a bit with stress, anxiety and a little depression. The anxiety has been particularly difficult for me to deal with. I haven’t identified what changed to cause it to resurface. Maybe it’s that nothing has changed. I’m uncertain. The last few weeks I have felt as though I’m going  through the motions, but not really there. Even now, as I write, I feel myself very tense, anxious and stressed out.

Thing is that my life isn’t really bad. Things haven’t changed recently, but they are in a good place so that’s not a bad thing. I’ve gotten pretty good at disguising it when I feel this way, well at least I thought so. I recently spent time with a friend who is going through a difficult time. Just a couple of minutes into our meeting she asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and stressed. Although it amuses me, I hate when people see through it like that. I mumbled through explanations of things running through my mind. I wasn’t prepared to. Now I wonder if I go overboard when I speak with her to sound more upbeat.

I don’t really know what will happen with this. It’s just one of those things where I will keep trying to figure it out and hope it gets better. In really sucks in the meanwhile. Hopefully I won’t have to fake it anymore – nobody likes a faker.

On my work life:
Work has kept me busy. For 2 weeks I have been doing another type of training. It has been difficult to focus, but I’ve done my best. Now I have to actively apply it on my day-to-day. I hope that I managed to grasp enough of it. There’s nothing else to say about it. I have been looking for additional government jobs, for sure. I still find it odd because I don’t have anywhere to be. The thought should excite me, but it doesn’t. I don’t have a reason to stay here and I don’t have a reason to go anywhere else. I feel a bit in limbo and I find it unsettling. I would like a game plan, but right now that doesn’t seem possible. Worse still, it doesn’t seem like there will be one in the near future.

On my fitness:
These past few weeks I’ve gained some weight. Once the anxiety/depression/stress hit – I stopped. It’s the worst thing to do since few things relieve my stress and anxiety like running. I decided that if I’m going to go through my usual emotional whirlwinds I may as well do so while healthy and attractive so I’m going to restart my workout with a good run tomorrow – rain or shine. I’ve also started looking at some 5K’s in the area and once I establish my current physical fitness I’ll decide which to pursue.

I also am toying with the idea of trying martial arts again. It’s an unnecessary expense so it gives me pause, but it may be something I need right now. I still don’t know because the truth is that the free class of this is a bit intimidating. I may just have to force myself if I don’t come up with a decision soon.

On my romantic life:
I have an unusual complaint here. While I do have the company of a friend (cough) frequently, I am always hopeful to wind up in a relationship. It’s the goal, really. Find a female human being with less baggage than an airline, a sense of humor and intelligence and actually have a committed relationship. Yes. I said that. Crazy, right? The funny thing is that I don’t have any issues getting attention from girls these days. In fact, I have laughed because twice now I have had the moves put on me the very day I’ve met some. I mean, the last one did the ol’ move of giving me a hug, nuzzling up dangerously close and “accidentally” going in for a kiss. I was so perplexed that the first time I moved thinking it was an accident. Once she readjusted and went for it again I realized I was having the moves put on me.

I’m not sure what’s going on. I’m wearing the same cologne as before. I’m still the same sarcastic, snide, cynical bastard but the attention I’ve gotten fascinates and bewilders me. In the past I would have been thrilled and trying to slay everyone in my path but, in an unusual turn of events I actually want a relationship. The world is crazy and unfair. We’ll see. I have a problem where people have the tendency to either bore me or annoy me. I remain hopeful that something happens. People can surprise you, I guess. I promise to remain hopeful and try to be positive – but I’ll start tomorrow. Today I’ll grumble my way through the evening, thinking about actions, people and things that make me stressed, sad and angry. Tomorrow I’ll restart and hopefully my next LateLee will have a ran of sunshine shining right out of it’s butt. But not today.


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