Where I Have Been

Posted: July 25, 2016 in Uncategorized

A funny thing happened since my last post over 3 months ago.

Although my blog is never far from my mind, I haven’t posted anything since April 3. Even then, the posts had become sporadic and the time between posts increased. I wasn’t really quite certain what caused this, but a moment of clarity pointed it out.

All it took was a vacation and the most amazing rainbow.

Time has a way of moving on and leaving you behind. Suddenly I realized I hadn’t taken time off since October 2012. I hadn’t gone somewhere for vacation since July 2012.

I also had not caught on to the fact that lately I had been feeling worn out. It has been so progressive that I hadn’t even noticed. These last 2 years have seen me dealing with all the issues related to my knee and lower back problems (and, as a result, my weight gain) on top of work-related stress.

I also had not realized work was stressing me out the way it had been. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my job, but it came attached with a price: I have met some incredibly shitty people in my office. I’ve met some incredibly fake people as well, which incidentally makes me nearly appreciate the ones who are consistently shitty rather than the smile-in-your-face stab you in theĀ  back types. On the other hand, I have made some actual friends while I’ve been there so it’s not all bad. The thing is that I had been so involved with the stress and drama that comes with dealing with the bad people that I was feeling more and more drained.

I continued going through the motions of hating my health issues and being bothered by things at work until it became the norm. I didn’t know I was tired. Through this process I didn’t write much. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t for some reason. Call it performance issues if you will. I eventually came to realize that the less angry I had become, the less inclined I was to write. I’ve been worn out and stressed, but I’ve let go of a lot of things and I’ve just not been angry (and hardly angered) by anything. I just can’t find the value of getting angry at things the way I used to.

What kept me amused about myself was the angry, cynical view of the world. It allowed me to do regular day-to-day things normal people do, but with a twist in perspective. I somehow haven’t had that in me for quite some time. I started remembering how I couldn’t go to the grocery store without sneering at the world and most of its mindless inhabitants.

Be that as it may, I recently got the opportunity to once again visit family in Hawaii. I was so desperate to go that even though I had used up all my leave during my medical debacles, I took leave without pay.

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The vacation went as most vacations go. However, there was a point in my vacation that I woke up to this amazing rainbow. It’s not a cheesy connotation; this was the largest and most colorful rainbow I’ve ever seen. I stared in silent admiration, enjoying the quiet. At some point in time I realized that I hadn’t even thought of work or anything else for days. I had been living the last few days as though that was actually my life, waking up to that view. I had been feeling so relaxed that it dawned on me how poorly I had been managing stress and how little I had been sleeping for as long as I could remember since my relocation.

I savored the rest of my vacation (you can check my photos out on my IG if you’d like). One day I walked around and thought to myself “I could do this. I could live here” and even thought to myself “do I really have to go back?” I actually thought it over to see if there was a logical way to relocate (spoiler alert: there currently isn’t). I caught myself giving that some thought and was amused. I guess it’s really a vacation when you try to figure out a way to make it permanent.


So, now I’m back in Virginia feeling better. I’m relaxed and more conscious of how many hours I sleep, what I eat and drink and of how little consequence the shitty and fake people I encounter really are. I was briefly saddened by the fact that I had to leave Hawaii, but grateful that visiting there is something my life actually allows me to do. I’d venture to say that most people from where I grew up don’t get to visit. I feel fortunate and highly appreciative.

What happens now? Well, although I’m not foaming-at-the-mouth pissed off, I remain a cynic. I imagine the tone I describe my perceptions with will reflect some change. However, I couldn’t stay away from here after all, so perhaps there’s something to write after all. Although I feel more patient, I suspect it’s only a different level of impatience. I still have a colorful language that leads me to say things like fuck and motherfucker on a regular basis. I will still harass scam artists who call me: (1, 2). I just don’t quite feel the same way I did when I first started….and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.

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