It had been a while since I looked at my horoscope to see what “the universe” (snicker) has in store.

Because I’m not superstitious (and I’m not naive and I believe in science) I made my comments in red, as usual. I did look at 2 different “sources” so there’s that.

Take a break from your regular routine (my entire existence is work and class work. if it were optional, I wouldn’t do it!) and be of service to someone else who needs a helping hand (Sorry. You’re on your own right now). You’ve been paying so much attention to your own little world (Hey, my life is easy with Earth Population: 1)that you may have completely ignored someone else’s signals and requests (I don’t do customer service). Even though you’re not in the mood to move quickly, you can still make an impact. You have to be willing to take that very first step, but you can make a difference (Maybe next time).

Daily Quickie:
Shop around in order to make the right choice today — consult an objective source (I AM an objective source. I vouch for myself).

You’re preparing for only the best. That’s a good attitude to have, but don’t let a financial proposition sweep you off your feet. The romance of it all could cloud your better judgment (If it makes money, it makes sense. I’m down.).

Whether the schedule calls for it or not, it’s time for a quick team meeting (Again? God damn it, we have them weekly). The upcoming events have gone to some peoples’ heads (Well, that much is true. There are some inflated heads around here), and their lack of concentration is ruining it for the whole group. Now is the perfect time to air those beefs (Please don’t beef with Lee).

Daily Flirt:
Whatever’s on your chest today, you should unload it (There’s nothing there. There’s barely even hair on my chest). You have friends who’ve been through this kind of thing before, and they’d be happy to help — don’t keep them in the dark (WHAT? I can comfortably say that if I had any issue with my dating life I could eliminate approximately 97% of my friends as sources for advice or useful information. Bunch of degenerates – men and women).

Single’s Love:
Even if you’re sweet on someone (I love everyone! Well, except you.), that doesn’t mean you should stop shopping around (“Shopping around?” Man, that sounds so very clinical and impersonal. I like it.). Keep your eyes and your options open now — when it comes to crushes, the more, the merrier (I’m 40 years old. I can’t walk around like Free Willy forever. I don’t want to be the male version of the crazy cat lady.).


There’s a fire burning in you today, Taurus (..sounds like an STD). Be careful how you use it. There’s a chance you could offend someone (It seems like there’s always someone who is offended. I can honestly say that I don’t care. I don’t worry about that sort of thing if I’m in the right, which I usually am) if you get too excited and fail to notice how your arrogant attitude affects people around you (You say “arrogant” like it’s a bad thing). Take your joy and spread it to the collective by empowering others. You will feel better about yourself (No. My self-loathing is too strong) and make more friends in the process (Oh, god. No, thanks. This would violate Earth Population: 1).

You and your lover (Who the fuck is that?) may appreciate a day out in the country, amidst the peace and harmony of nature (It sounds like I’m going to be running around while naked, holding hands and spinning in circles while skipping), where you can attune yourself to more natural rhythms (What in the fuck does “attune yourself to more natural rhythms” even mean? That’s one of those things that people put on memes and share even though it doesn’t mean a fucking thing). This is especially important if you have both been really busy at work. The current aspect at play indicates that taking a break away from the hustle and bustle of life will enable you to feel close to each other once more.

Get your ideas down on paper instead of letting them fly out the opposite ear they went in (Please. If I don’t write things down I am guaranteed to forget. Thank goodness for neat apps). Make sure that this isn’t a piece of scrap paper that will soon get tossed accidentally in the wastebasket (What is this, the 90’s? And who the fuck says “wastebasket”?). Your ideas are good – use today to organize them (“Good” is for the average folk. I go with “exceptional”).

You’re headed into a time of great wealth in terms of finances and information to help you gain more security (About god damn time. I want more money. I want to hoard it all like a dragon from a cheap scifi paperback book that gets turned into a cheesy TV show). You’re incredibly psychic now (No. Because nobody is actually psychic. Holy shit). The Universe (“The universe” is not an entity providing you information, fools) is stirring up your house of karma (Karma is a cute concept but that doesn’t exist either or there would be no use for jails), past lives (Please respect the scientific process), and institutions, so look to these areas to make more money (the only way to make more money in that way is to pretend to be psychic and charge the naive for useless, fake information), find new ideas for unique products and services, or locate places to invest your money for maximum gain.

You may find yourself making friends in the most unusual places today (Currently, 90% of my time is spent in my apartment in front of a computer. If i can make friends from there, I’ll be very impressed)! You can expect the unexpected (if you expect the unexpected, does the unexpected not become expected? That’s deep. It’ll make sense. Think about it.)- from yourself and others. Remember that this is temporary, though – it’s not a change of heart – it’s more like a change of clothes! Your heart (I have none), by the way, is always happy to receive a little attention (OK, I love attention, usually)- and I’m talking about going to the gym (No, thanks. I prefer to work out from home)! See if your new acquaintances enjoy getting their heart rates up in a healthy environment. Maybe those who do will become lasting friends…  (I’ve just changed my mind. Leave me alone)

PS: I saw a ton of pop-ups as I was finding these horoscopes. I just want to remind you guys: there’s no such thing as a psychic, crystals don’t do anything other than look pretty and “empaths” don’t exist. For fuck’s sake, stop watching X-Men movies. You don’t have mutant powers and “the universe” is not an entity providing you answers. I provide you answers. Me. Sure, they’re likely poor answers but at least you get some.



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